The Versus Page

It’s been fun

2005-03-29T15:47:00.001-05:00

Well that’s the last post for a while. Duty calls, and I must go on cruise with the Carl Vinson (CVN 70). I have had a lot of fun writing this blog and hopefully I can continue it after I get back - when ever that is. Thanks for all of your comments and support.

-Scott

Brazilian red bellied piranhas vs. Caveman

2005-03-28T19:37:00.000-05:00

A cave man fights some piranhas? That is the oldest feud known to mankind. Even our ancient ancestors knew that, those fish, in that pond, are constantly scheming and plotting our demise. Now for the twist: the piranhas were part of an experiment at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and they have been engineered to have abnormal mental capacities. Nicodemus, the main piranha, also has a future predicting hologram vortex. Mr. Caveman has no added abilities.
Stats:

Brazilian red bellied piranhas:
- Referred to as cannibal (Lector) fish or caribe
- A viscous and ferocious killer with no mercy – like Stuart Smalley a.k.a Al Franken
- Main diet: flesh, fish, fingers, bull testicals, asparagus, and lastly cavemen
- Once accidentally released into a summer camp’s rivers by a government agency called 'Operation Razorteeth' inexplicably having a devastating effect on the health of it’s attendees
- Super-intelligent, escaped, lab piranhas that have built a complicated democratic society inside a submerged dead cow

Caveman:
- Numerous appearances endorsing Geico Car Insurance
- Around 10,000 to 2 million years ago. (now that is accuracy)
- All about the rudimentary stone tools
- Main diet: fruits, nuts, roots, insects, and Ramen Noodles
- Could not produce fire, but seemed to enjoy dragging their women by their hair, and carrying a wooden club
- Morbidly afraid of Brazilian red bellied piranhas

Side note: They both seem evenly enough matched. Piranhas are small and have red bellies; Caveman is big and carries a wooden club. Alright, I lied … Piranhas have 73.9 to 1 odds against Mr. Caveman – Place your bets now.

Winner: Caveman. Now is when you give me your money – all seventy-three dollars and nine cents of it. There’s no need for any type of an explanation as to why. Stop asking. Alright, OK. Here it is: Caveman is doing caveman like stuff bouncing around the forest, when BAM he falls face first into a ravenous shoal of super-intelligent piranhas. The piranhas then form a complicated system of levers and pulleys to try and save the caveman. As it turns out they don’t believe in slaughtering inferior defenseless animals. Once Caveman is helped out of the water he tries to make his friends think that he defeated them on his own. So he throws his club back in and destroys the piranha’s contraption killing three of the noble and wise leaders. (Is anyone still reading this?)

Then Nicodemus, the main piranha jumps out of the pond with a gill-to-air breathing apparatus he designed. While Caveman is walking away he hears this and spins around. Caveman first tries to apologize, then bargain, then plea. Nicodemus is distracted by this and the other caveman draw and quarter him. Later … Caveman’s insecticides leak into the piranha’s pond and slowly kill them over multiple generations. – You asked.

Twisted Sister vs. Tron

2005-03-26T02:09:00.000-05:00

Yea, the idea of Twisted Sister versus Tron just seems funny too me. But… shut your pie hole and straiten up, you sorry sack of manure. The eighties was not a good time in history; nothing really good came out of it, except for cocaine (wait that was from the 70s) ugly-ass pastel colors and goofy big haircuts with gold chains and leisure suits that had the sleeves pulled up.
Digi stats minus the coke:

Twisted Sister:
- American heavy metal music group specializing in the theatrical shock metal
- Famous for their extravagant makeup, shock tactics, rebellious ideas, and their use of chains, leather, and long permed blond hair.
- Created melodic distorted guitar and chorus-laden singles
- Embodied everything '80s metal
- You definitely listened to them and probably liked them around 1988

Tron:
- A “program” that is bent on destruction
- A proficient light cycler
- Helps Jeff Bridges get out of a psychedelic horrible computer world, and cool neon lights giant upside-down bracket robot space ship
- Had a son name Jet
- Has another movie due out in the January of this year

Side note: How in the hell am I going to say anything on this blog about this time in history? Are we living in the tens? I guess “the turn of the century” seem appropriate. Still it doesn’t have the same appeal as the “Roaring twenties” or the “free loving sixties”.

Winner: Tron. Electrons do not produce heavy metal. Uhhh, come on now, the Sisters are cool but not “Tron cool”. Not “Captain Kirk cool”. Not: “Flight of the Navigator cool”. (Damn, I would like to see that movie again) But Tron lives inside of my mother board, Twisted Sister on the other hand, lives inside the synapsis of my brain. Unfortunately: Yakuza, the Chinese mafia, had their hand in the outcome of this fight. My pinky finger is at stake here. - Holy shit, this blog has gotten way too abstract. God bless the internet and my neurotic, impulsive ability to post what ever the hell I fell like.

Julius Cesar vs. Tony Blair

2005-03-25T20:15:00.000-05:00

First of if you don’t know who Tony Blair is; he’s not in any way affiliated with the “Blair Witch Project”. Cesar was a good guy, despite the orgies, and crappy pizza. Also British parliament is insane. If you have never witnessed a British parliamentary session you are missing out. I’ll break it down for you: about 200 British guys sitting on opposite sides of an auditorium are all yelling some sort of English explicites at one person, usually Mr. Tony Blair. I think congress could learn a thing or two about these crazy English policies.
Your stats, shaken and most definitely stirred:

Julius Cesar:
- The first Roman emperor and referred to as Father of the Country
- Built numerous constructions of a great importance
- A leader of a great talent, energy and skills
- Has been elected a high priest and opposed the death penalty
- Captured, looted, pillaged, and plundered numerous towns in Portugal in the name of the Roman Empire

Tony Blair:
- Current title: Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
- Elected in a landslide majority in the 2001
- A bass guitarist and lead singer for a rock band called Ugly Rumors
- Is tough on national security and is a great public speaker
- A modernizing, pragmatic social democrat

Winner: Tony Blair. Whats all this about then Govna’? Cherrio then… Sure Cesar was a great leader and decided the fate of Rome in 70 B.C. (those were the good days, weren’t they) but Tony Blair is a seriously, hard core, bad ass. – also, don’t hate on me England, your guy won.

Mr. Monk vs. The Soup Nazi

2005-03-24T17:26:00.001-05:00

Neuroticism at its best. How do these two end up meeting? Monk (no not your Buddhist type monk) is assigned a murder case involving a short order cook employee who went ballistic on a customer. Can you guess who? Yes, you did guess right: it’s that fat, grungy, foul smelling guy with nasty long-ass fingernails that hasn’t bathed since Jordan played for the Chicago Bulls, and he works at McDonalds. … Oh yea, back to The Soup Nazi - he just happens to have a store that is on the next block over from that McDonalds, and Monk decides to go inside for some soup. I forgot to mention Monk has been transformed into a 50 foot ape-monster and Soup Nazi was mutated by atomic radiation into a huge dinosaur-like creature with a hatred for Tokyo and its people.
Your very own personal atomic neurostats:

Monk Kong:
- Once a member of the San Francisco Police Department
- Severely suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder (could you please arrange your #2 pencils from least amount of eraser to most amount of eraser)
- Plagued by various phobias including: germs, heights, crowds, and milk ( - I’m kind of scared of milk myself)
- He is an extremely intelligent private consultant with an unorthodox approach to crime
- A gigantic, primitive, angry, demonic, primordial ape with a violent sexual desire and a love for climbing tall buildings (I also love whiskey)

Soup Nazi-zilla:
- An insatiably love for organization and order that borders on a pathological and irrational obsession for his store and all people ordering soup
- Hates any customers with any type of enthusiasm or emotion (I definitely work with this guy)
- Resides at Soup Kitchen International located at 7th Ave. and West 53rd st according to this link
- Also has an incredible strength and a destructive fire/atomic blast
- Likes to visit Japan and it inhabitants on a regular basis to destroy everything in it's sight
- A cross between a stegosaurus, a tyrannosaurus rex, and a short order cook that was frozen for millions of years until awakened by atomic testing
- Arch enemy: Mothra, Seinfeld, and Tokyo

Side note: This one time at Band Camp, Wolf-Man Jack says “stay in school kids”

Winner: Monk Kong. Yea that’s right I said it … what of it? Oh, you want to know why. Ok, Monk walks into the Soup Kitchen International and inevitably see something wrong with the picture – too much soup in the ladles. He immediately points this out to Mr. Soup Nazi who transforms into Soup Nazi-zilla because he did not place his money on the counter and move to his left. (Sure, I’m f*cked-up in the cabeza but I also have internet access). Monk then proceeds to summon Monk Kong the raging gorilla beast. After a fierce battle, large buildings are in ruble, toxic chemical fires are rampat, and mass pandemonium breaks out on 7th Avenue. Monk Kong then rips out Soup Nazi-zilla's heart and eats it after a blood-curdling cry.

-check out this guys page: Duck Power, he recommended this fight and he’s pretty random too - all hail randomness.

The Ninja Turtles vs. their Ancient Counterparts as U.S. Navy Seals

2005-03-23T19:16:00.000-05:00

Get yer versus fix on. Who knows? Maybe Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman of Mirage comics wanted to educate people reading their comics by naming the four protagonists after celebrities of the Renaissance. Or maybe they were both art aficionados of 15th century talent. What ever the case may be … just what if, some how, in some way these 4 artists trained in underwater demolitions and amphibious combat came into contact with their ninja weapon wielding, totally crude attitude counterparts. This is like four separate battles all taking place straddling two very separate centuries involving two equally different cultures.
Quadro-Stats:

Donatello the Turtle vs. Donatello the Sculptor:

Purple Turtle
- Weapon: Bo Staff
- Likes classical music, mathematics, inventing, and generally telling the other Turtles to calm the hell down
- Pretty much the dork of the Turtles

Sculptor
- One of the hardest working artist of all time
- Has a thorough knowledge of human anatomy
- Can sculpt with wood, marble, bronze and other material
- A Master of maritime Special Operations

Leonardo the Turtle vs. Leonardo da Vinci

Blue Turtle:
- Weapon: Katanas
- Apparently has no time for hobbies but does like candles (scented?)
- The turtle that is most in touch with his feminine side
- Trains diligently in Ninjitsu

Leonardo da Vinci:
- Italian painter, draftsman, sculptor, architect, and engineer – a fairly well rounded guy
- Unrivalled quality and attention to detail that few artists could come close too
- Painted a little something called the Mona Lisa
- Expert in utilizing combinations of specialized training, equipment, and tactics

Michelangelo the Turtle vs. Michelangelo Buonarroti:

Orange Turtle:
- Weapon: Nunchakus
- Likes skating, surfing, pizza, video games (… and I’m going to have to say smoking the refer)
- The turtle that’s says gimme’ a break, and throws the pizza at the camera, in the old series
- A Party Dude and definitely the coolest turtle

Michelangelo Buonarroti:
- Acknowledged as a supreme artist
- Was a muscular, dexterous, and fairly big guy
- The greatest marble sculptors of all time
- Has extreme tactical force and strategic impact

Raphael the Turtle vs. Raphael Sanzio:

Red Turtle:
- Weapon: Sai
- Sports enthusiast and likes to eat cereal
- The anti-social Goth guy of the Turtles

Raphael Sanzio:
- A master painter and architect
- Suggestive and easily influenced
- Painted Madonna with Christ and St. John the Baptist
- An expert in unconventional warfare, direct action, terrorism combat, and special reconnaissance

Side note: Krang vs. M.C. Escher. Krang was that brain thing on the ninja turtles that lived inside of that robot guy. He lives in dimension x, was a warlord, and doesn’t believe in any taxes what so ever. Escher was a conceptual graphic artist that was fascinated with abstract patterns and symmetrical impossibilities. Who win this? Well that’s not the fight.

Winner: The Turtles Counterparts. So maybe Navy Seals was a little to much of a handicap. What ever; I still stand by the judges rulings. These were the most creative artists of the 14th and 15th century, and when they also have the skills of trained killers, mutant reptilians that know martial arts just don’t seem like the same type of threat that they are to Shredder even if they were trained by a rat.

MacGyver vs. the Back Street Boys

2005-03-19T13:41:00.000-05:00

Flippin sweet. The master of ingenuous ingenuity fights a bunch of pretty boy, wanna-be rock stars. What is the outcome – its anybody’s guess. Is MacGyver going to make a bomb out of a pack of gum and a box of trojans? Are the Back Street Boys going to kick ass with high pitch winning and fun loving, easy going, Kenny-G type ninjitsu?
Here’s yer sign.

MacGyver:
- A clever and rugged hero adored by women and praised by men
- Can solve just about any problem
- Prefers paper clips and candy bars over AKs and Tech-9s
- A former special forces agent
- Uses his wits and science to foil all that oppose him
- Currently employed at Phoenix Foundation
- Has the ability to slip past the enemy's defenses and undermined their devious plans
- Has a nack for solving problems just in the nick of time
- Boss: Peter Thornton
- Archenemy: Murdoc

The Back Street Boys:
- Slightly homosexual
- Archenemy: Anyone with any since of tast, and people over the age of 15
- Consist of: Nick Carter, Howie Dorough, Brian Littrell, A.J. McLean and Kevin Richardson
- Hits song: Quit Playing Games (With My Heart), and As Long As You Love Me
- Aka the B Boys (who calls them that? – beside their moms)
- Have done church choirs and did a lot of family harmonizing growing up in Kentucky – NICE
- Would like to make a reality series about being pop-stars
- Formed in 1995
- They are (take notes): a certified ball room dace instructor (gay), one likes Safari by Ralph Lauren the cologne(gay), loves sneakers and gold jewelry(gay), and according to one of them he is "likely to invite you for a moonlight walk along the beach"(really gay).

Side note: Let’s not kid our selves, we all know who is going to win this, and if you disagree then go ahead and comment – but, be warned you will probably disagree.

Winner: MacGyver. NO not the Kool-aid man, he wasn’t even involved in this fight. Heres how it went: the five Backstreet boys tried to “serve” MacGyver with a head spin glide with a flare. However MacGyver anticipates this and reacts with a nuclear anti matter reactor built with a rock, a homeless person, a piece of cardboard, and a rusted shopping cart. The B Boy counter with a forward hand spring to an airbaby backslide but slip and fall into a vat of nitroglycerin. They then turn into liquid metal and are kicked by Mac into another vat of molten lead. The End.

Special thanx to all that contributed ideas.

Six foot Emperor Penguin vs. Level 75 Paladin

2005-03-17T22:49:00.000-05:00

Sure everybody knows that Emperor penguins only grow up to 3.6 feet tall, and that a level 75 Paladin is absurd and completely fictional but this fight takes place in someone’s head. What exactly is a paladin, I’m not to sure. Can a penguin wrestle him into submission? Well, I plan to find out.
Stats:

Six foot Emperor Penguin:
- spend entire lives in Antarctic
- Can dive to 1700 feet and stay submerged up to 22 min
- Can survive -80 F and 110 mph winds
- Weighs about 188 lbs
- Instead of contracting Mesothelioma, or Berylliosis, he unexplainably mutated to six feet after contact with toxic waste from the TGRI (Techno Global Research Institute)

Level 75 Paladin:
- Has a sword-of-something, preferably something elemental, dragon, or middle earth related
- Main job is to defeat undead enemies
- Can absorb a high amount of hits
- Can only cast mainly defensive spells
- Specializes in close-range combat
- Even though it’s denied, obviously the Paladin uses some sort of mana

Side note on mana: Just what in the hell is mana anyway? Why does every freakin game that has some thing to do with spells also has mana. If I ate three boxes of crispy cream donuts would I get a mana + 5 advancement rate. Would I then be able to wield the sword of dragons fire mana and wear level 43 dwarf wizard gold armor? Then do I lose some mana if I take a shit? Here is another mana related link

Winner: Penguin. Mr. Paladin first sees Penguin in a drunken hallucination - It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole! Unfortunately he’s all out of freakin mana and really he can only cast a defensive spell if he had some. On the other hand Penguin can survive about 1700 feet of water pressure, and doesn’t give a damn about mana.

Dr. Pepper vs. Dr. Kevorkian

2005-03-16T19:23:00.000-05:00

One helps you kill your self; the other tastes pretty damn good – especially with Bacardi 151. They may have different PhDs in separate fields; but, seeing two doctors fight to the death is always engaging and somewhat educational. Theses two are to doctors, what paper and rock are to paper, rock and scissors (pretty much the best analogy ever). For example: it’s a proven fact that Dr. Dre, Doc Holliday, Dr. Laura, Dr. Seuss, and Dr. Livingstone, all have studied under at least one of them at some point in time.
Your stats, I presume:

Dr. Pepper:
- Apparently able to make the World Taste Better
- Full name Dr. Charles “Pepper”
- Supports educational scholarships and creates community outreach programs
- Referred to as the King of Beverages in 1910 (preMountain Dew era)
- Originally made in Waco, Texas in Morrison’s Old Corner Drug Store
- Born in 1885
- Original called Waco shooters
- Original recipe contained 100% uncut, good old American pure cane sugar – the good stuff
- Got about 20 million people hooked at the world fair in 1904
- Oldest major manufacturer of soft drink concentrates and syrups in the United States

Dr. Kevorkian:
- A notorious general practitioner with a dubious distinction who believes in the "right to die"
- Responsible for the suicides of over 100 people
- Currently resides in a prison in Michigan
- Born in 1928 in Pontiac, Michigan
- Affectionately referred to as “Doctor Death”
- Been employed as chief pathologist at Saratoga General Hospital in Detroit – just like Eminem
- Published in Medicine and Law, and The American Journal of Clinical Pathology

Winner: Dr. Pepper. Jack Kevorkian starts off tying to hook Dr. Pepper up to his death machine with the promise of making his beverage outsell Coca-Cola. Foolishly Dr. Pepper accepts this until the machine crashes into the dreaded Windows: blue screen of death because he was trying to use iTunes in the background. Pepper then realizes what’s happening and rips the machine out of the wall socket. Kevorkian then explains that Dr. Peeper has made a powerfully enemy today and attempts a deadly suicide kick to the temple. Dr. Pepper easily dodges it, then “assists” Dr. Kevorkian into a flaming pit of piranhas and ninja stars … the end. – Sorry my ADD just kicked in. Blog at-cha.

Osama Bin Laden vs. Saddam Hussein

2005-03-15T18:44:00.000-05:00

Special news announcement: CIA, FBI, DOD, IRS – they both owe back taxes, FDA – maybe not so much them, but all the other various government agency acronyms have come up with a half-baked harebrain scheme to pit Hussein versus Bin Laden on the island of Alcatraz. This is going to be a terrorist leader extraordinaire on the most notorious prison in American history.
Terror stats:

Osama Bin Laden:
- Lives holed up in a mud hut in Pakistan’s treacherous border
- Entourage – about 3,000 Islamic militants followers and less than 20 close fanatical guards that know his location and, they would all die before they give him up (or accept 20 American dollars, a Maxim magazine, and a six pack of Budwiser)
- Other associates : Ayman al-Zawahiri, Muhammed Atef, Michael Moore
- Likes to use encrypted floppy disks to talk to his people - sneaker-net style
- Has people in 60 countries and 37 thousand Starbuck world wide
- Used to have about $300 million dollars (Coincidently the same estimate as the Olson Twins)
- Future plans: assassinate officials using poison, try to get chemical, biological, radioactive, and pornographic material
- He has an enlarged heart (because he loves so much), chronically low blood pressure, missing toes on one foot (lost in an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident), dependent on kidney dialysis, and is a hypochondriac – stop faking
- Has taken aid and training from the CIA to fight the Soviet Union
- Born: July 30, 1957 and has 20 brothers (Holy shit)
- Has a degree in public administration
- Likes to masturbate in apple pie

Saddam Hussein:
- Spent $8 billion on nuclear weapons and came away with absolutely nothing
- Likes political repression, human rights violations, torture, assassination, and long walks on the beach
- Born: April 28, 1937 and raised in the farming village of Tikrit
- Got his own and his son’s asses kicked by about 250,000 U.S. and 45,000 British soldiers
- Captured in December 2003
- Entourage – Abdul Tawab Mullah Huwaysh and Taha Muhy-ud-Din Maruf, and two very dead sons Uday and Qusay
- Joined the Ba'ath Socialist party in 1957
- Went to jail back in 1963 for a few years and then escaped
- Sure was fond of chemical and biological weapons, and “I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)” by Meatloaf back in 1993
- Was all about the U.N. oil-for-food program and the billions he got from it.
- Led a war against Iran
- About 100 billion dollars in debt after the Iran-Iraq war
- Molests little boys who have cancer at his ranch in California

Winner: What are you kidding me? Both these guys suck. When we’ve got them both on Alcatraz we just shoot a cruise missile right into the middle of the island and put them both out of their misery. Controversial? – Probably. Truthful? – Definitely.

Red Power Ranger vs. Borg assimilated Captain Picard

2005-03-14T14:56:00.000-05:00

You might be asking your self why the Red one? Well because Kat the Pink ranger just isn’t quite as formidable. But to even up the odds Jean-Luc has all the added perks of everyone’s favorite Star Trek villains.
Here is some statistical information:

Red Power Ranger:
- Weapons: Power Sword, Blade Blaster, Dragon Dagger
- Other gear: Wrist Communicator, Power Morpher with Power Coin, Dragon Shield
- Zords (WTF ???): Tyrannosaurus Dinozord, Dragonzord, Red Dragon Thunderzord
- Tough and courageous with enhanced strength, speed, and durability
- Original leader of the Power Rangers
- Tactical knowledge and fighting skill make him the ultimate Ranger

Borg Captain Picard:
- Cybernetic life-form thousands of years old
- Part organic, part artificial life
- Accomplished diplomat and tactician
- Implanted with bio-chip that link his brain to a collective consciousness
- Fond of assimilation and explaining that resistance is futile

Winner: Red Power Ranger. Since both the Rangers and the Borg are accustom to fighting in groups they are both at a slight disadvantage. As it turns out a Power Ranger Zord is like a cheap knock-off of a transformer. I guess that gives him some sort of benefit. The Borg pretty much relies on strength in numbers so just old Picard with out all his homeboys leaves him defenseless and exposed.

Genetically enhanced cybernetic Mary Poppins vs. Hell’s Angels Gang with Giant squid as boss

2005-03-12T17:03:00.000-05:00

That was a mouthful; … and slightly insane?? Anyways, Mary Poppins was created in the future by the last surviving rebel humans to rid the world of bratty English children, who love chocolate. Along the way she encounters a bloodthirsty gang of murderous bikers led by an infamous Giant squid. To make a long story short she must fight them or else all humanity as we know it will go down in a gloriously devastating mushroom cloud in the year 2029.
Stats:

Genetically enhanced cybernetic Marry Poppins:
- Vain, domineering, strange, mysterious, and a relentless killer … oh, and she English
- A powerful machine of an extremely durable construction that can sustain a considerable amount of damage
- Can wander into paintings and travel the world with a magic compass
- She can't be bargained or reasoned with. She feels no pity, or remorse, or fear. And she absolutely will not stop, ever, until she has achieved mission objective.
- Ability to fly with or without umbrella
- Zoo animals celebrate her birthday
- A full barrage of gun fire does not affect her
- Can induces a type of hallucinatory aesthetic mainly in children
- Partial to sugar and medicine and can turn chores into pleasure
- Wins infatuated devotion from all subordinates
- Created by a artificial intelligence called Nannynet
- Has modish philosophies for child raising
- Primarily composed of living tissue over an android skeleton
- Indistinguishable from an organic being
- Resides at Number Seventeen Cherry-Tree Lane, London

Hell’s Angels Gang with Giant squid boss:
- Source of the majority of outlaw biker counterculture
- Associated with gang rape, white supremacy, and murder.
- Responsible for $1 billion a year worldwide from drug trafficking
- Caused more than 100 deaths including 84 bombings, 130 reported cases of arson, and 9 missing persons
- has 2,000 members and prospects
- 189 chapters in 22 countries around the world
- Hired as crowd security for $500 worth of beer (that’s a shit load of Corona) then killed someone
- have a hierarchical structure including Mr. Giant Squid who flaunts his power to attract recruits and draw them into crime
- It’s also difficult for law enforcement to infiltrate the Angels because becoming a member requires committing crimes.
- Almost killed Hunter S. Thompson
- Leader lives in most of the world's oceans and is among the biggest animals in the sea
- The leader is rarely seen and hunts smaller sea creatures. Including whales
- Can survive cannon, musket, and harpoon attacks
- Has a long, torpedo shaped body that is carnivorous mollusks
- Moves with a jet of water forced out of the body by a siphon
- Average length 20 feet with 30 feet tentacles
- Has attacked the Norwegian Naval tanker: the Brunswick, in 1930.

Winner: The Hell’s Angels. - I’m pretty sure you want to know how the downfall of humanity as we know it will occur. Good thing this blog is here to tell you. Marry Poppins first assumes the role of a regular Cybernetic Nanny but then she discovers a gang of hoodlums. She promptly teaches them how to clean their room but all of a sudden Mr. Architeuthis (giant squid) decided to make an appearance. At this point Poppins cybernetic circuits overload due to the fact that she is only adapt to deal with human interaction. The squid then places a large tentacle over her head and proceeds to suck her brains out. The end; Game over man; we’re all going to die… Giant Squid and accomplices win; all humans die. Well at least now all of you know the sad, sad truth about the future of humanity. - Don’t hate the player, hate the game; and the blog he posts on.

Agent Smith vs. Elrond (Lord of the Rings)

2005-03-10T22:11:00.000-05:00

Ok here’s another one by special request. I will admit that I really had no clue who the hell Elrond was until a little research showed that he is in fact the Elven version of Agent Smith – I guess I must have been living under a rock or something. Hugo Weaving is the man and he must fight himself to determine who the winner is: The Elf or the Agent.
Let’s take a look at the stats:

Elrond:
- Elven lord of Rivendell
- Wisest and most powerful Elves in Middle
- Member of the White Council (not White Castle …mmm small greasy, burgers)
- Born Around 532 of the First Age left Middle Earth September 29, 3021 of the Third Age
- Residence: Last Homely House in Rivendell
- Immediate family: Parents Earendil & Elwing, Twin Brother Elros, Wife Celebrian, Children Elladan Elrohir and Arwen
- Help to preserve Elven customs and traditions
- Astute commander on the battlefield
- Strong and powerful, and he was also kind
- Elrond means vault of stars
- Is immortal

Agent Smith:
- A pitiless, single-minded, focused, conformist
- He is predictable, unemotional, inhumane, and represents complete control and absolutely no power of choice.(Like my boss)
- Superhuman strength
- Ability to flawlessly dodge incoming bullets - in slow motion while only moving his upper body
- The agents us names like Smith to blend into society
- Originally programmed to keep order within the system by terminating troublesome programs
- Can take over any human in the Matrix
- Hates all humans and thinks we are viruses

Winner: Smith. So the first point that I am sure all Lord Of the Rings aficionados are going to point out is that Elrond is immortal. But when he gets on that little boat and sails to were ever they go, that’s almost like dieing. Plus I’m not really sure if Elrond is magical or something, but Smith is some kind of psychotic robot program. If Elves shoot arrows and Agent Smith can dodge bullets theres pretty much no contest there.

A-Team vs. Wu-Tang Clan

2005-03-09T21:52:00.000-05:00

Four on nine may not seem like the best odds, but the A-Team’s answer to Ol’ Dirty Bastard is Mr. T. Both are partial to automatic weapons, have been to prison, and have a certain reputation to uphold. The A-Team only had few cornball colonels and generals to fight; on the other hand Wu-Tang has always had “the Man” trying to keep them down.
Stats:

A-Team
- Consists of: Hannibal Smith, Templeton Faceman Peck, H.M. Murdock, B.A. Baracus a.k.a. Mr. T
- Was in the Vietnam War
- Has escaped from a maximum security prison
- Their alter egos : conman, ace pilot that lived in a mental hospital, and mechanic
- Originated in 1983
- Once considered to be the most violent TV-show on the air
- Awards received : Emmy Nomination, People's Choice Awards, 2 Stuntman Awards, MPSE Award
- Specially trained in guerilla warfare, commando tactics, and counterinsurgency
- Drives a super cool A-Team GMC Van
- Favorite weapons: Ruger AC556, Smith and Wesson Model 637, and whatever handguns are available at the time
- Injuries sustained: Shot, poisoned, broken ribs, blinded, nail in foot, and radiation exposure

Wu-Tang Clan
- Originated in1993
- Staten Island’s Wu-warriors
- Consists of: Prince (The RZA) Rakeem, Raekwon, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Method Man, GhostFace Killah, Genius (GZA), U-God, Master Killa, and Inspectah Deck
- Endured crime, drugs, violence, hustling and poverty
- Avid chess players and readers of Suntzu: Arts of War
- Eternally elevating the urban art-form
- Produced five platinum or gold albums
- Markets Wu-Wear brand clothing

"In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team."

Winner: A-Team. Their theme song and monologue pretty much seals the deal, but let’s take a look at some other points. The A-Team are experts in counterinsurgency, and guerilla warfare … Wu-Tang has a guy named Inspectah Deck. The A-Team are trained killers, the Wu-Tang Clan just raps about being trained killers. Although I always did like Wu-Tang’s 36 Chambers album they really can’t handle the A-Team.

Captain Morgan vs. Captain Crunch

2005-03-08T17:23:00.000-05:00

Arrr, you ready for this one. Avast ye scurvy swine, this be goin' t' be a good fight. These two salty dogs be comin’ together for this skirmish. Tis a real treat for us landlubbers to see this one and I ant’ hornswagglin ya either.
Heres yer stats, swabs:

Captain Morgan
- Full name: Captain Henry Morgan
- One of the 17th Century's most daring and successful buccaneers
- Admired throughout Caribbean waters
- Born in Wales in 1635
- His adventures were legendary
- One of Britain's most successful military strategists and an inspirational leader
- Gained the loyalty of unruly buccaneers who followed him without question, and won the respect of nobles and heads of state.
- Tastes really good mixed with Coke

Captain Crunch
- Archenemies : Jean LaFoote the Barefoot Pirate and the Soggies; Sylvester, Snyder, and Squish (aka the Sogmaster), also work as quality control testers at the AFCO Sponge Company
- Once promoted to admiral but didn’t like all the paperwork so he requested to be demoted
- Been in an unfortunate mishap with the Crunch Berries and the Crunch Biscuit machine
- Born sometime in 1963 on Crunch Island
- Son of Admiral Horatio Crunch, Sr.
- Sailed on the ship S.S. Guppy
- Side kick: first mate, Seadog
- Has been to Volcanica (at the center of the Earth) to save the Earth's supply of Crunchium
- Doesn’t tastes so good mixed with Coke

Winner: Captain Morgan; Was this really even a doubt in anybody’s mind? Ok, yes Captain Crunch did go to Volcanica and yes he has single-handedly defeated Jean LaFoote and he has even outranked Captain Morgan at one time. The fact of the mater is Crunch can’t handle the Morgan, sure he may be a badass on Crunch Island and the Soggies fear him, but this is the real world baby and swashbuckling and milk just doesn’t mix.

Sorority Girl vs. Sasquatch

2005-03-07T00:22:00.000-05:00

It’s time to get back to the randomness. Sorority Girl and Sasquatch have shared a common living space for centuries. It was really only a matter of time before these two came together for this fantastic spectacle of lip gloss and mangy smelly hair. I know I personally am psyched to see this one go down.
Let take a look at our stats:

Sasquatch
- Humanlike creature said to live in the Pacific Northwest
- Hundreds of people have reported seeing the Bigfoot or its footprints
- 7 to 10 feet tall and weighing more than 500 pounds
- Thick fur, long arms, powerful shoulders, and a short neck – just like your mom
- A.K.A. : Bigfoot, Abominable Snowman, Yeti
- Sasquatch in Indian means "hairy man"
- Has an odor similar to musk
- Part of the Gigantopithecus genus
- A semi-nomadic species that survives in vast remote forests

Sorority Girl
- Neurotically makes Greek lettered shirts for no reason
- Arch enemy: freshman girls
- Similar to a camel (there isn’t a “toe” after that”)... eating isn't necessarily a daily activity
- More concerned with reputation than all other personality traits
- Pays outrageous dues for sorority membership
- Glitter applied in half pound increments
- Constantly screaming sorority's irritating cheers
- Assumes birth control pills make her immune to STDs

Winner: Sasquatch. First off, I love sorority girls as much as the next guy. This isn’t about that, it’s about who wins in a fight. So here’s how it plays out: Sasquatch and his Sasquatchian frat bro’s decide to crash this sorority party. They show up slightly intoxicated and start making trouble. The battle last for hours, the brutality: horrendous, the death toll: immeasurable. At some point during the confrontation the head Sorority Girl finally decides to “bring it”. Sasquatch spots his chance to finally confront the leader who has oppressed his tribe for long enough. He unsheathes his saber and sprints towards her and lands a clean strike just below her jugular. Immediately afterwards all the other sorority sisters turn to dust. Long Live Sasquatch.

Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin

2005-03-05T17:20:00.001-05:00

You wanted it, so here it is. Calculating, diabolical, devious: these are three words that just about anybody would use to describe these two - if you were born and raised on the Tristan da Cunha islands . Both are unintelligent, lumbering, awkward providers for their family but means well. However for some unbeknownst reason they have crossed paths. Possibly Matt Groening and Seth MacFarlane have done some sort of a conglomerate episode. What ever it is this event will surely go down in history.
Here’s your stats:

Homer Simpson:
- Estimated to be between 36 and 39 years old
- Lives at 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield with Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie
- Favorite activities: heavy drinking (Duff Beer) and television
- Has attended a mandatory Family Skills courses
- Has fought and won: a rabid badger, robots, and venomous snakes. All due to his brain being cushioned by a unique and eponymous genetic condition
- Very suggestible when deprived of sleep
- Ach enemies: Ned Flanders, Frank "Grimey" Grimes, Patty and Selma Bouvier, C. Montgomery Burns, President George Bush, the city of New York, and the State of Florida – to name a few
- Aliases: Max Power, Homer Thompson, Homey, Mr. Plow, Colonel Homer, Mr. Sparkle, Hungry Hungry Homer, the Brick Hit House, and Nature's Cruelest Mistake.
-
Peter Griffin:
- Lives on Spooner Street in Quahog Rhode Island with Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie, and dog Brian.
- Been employed as production line worker, fisherman, jouster, Sheriff, and folk singer
- Favorite activities heavy drinking and television (coincidence? – I think not, all great minds enjoy similar activities)
- Has an African American ancestor named Nate
- Is extremely jealous of any ex-boyfriend of Lois except members from the band Kiss
- Slightly more obese than Homer

Side note here, this apparently has been a fairly heated debate for some time now.
http://superherohype.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-80448.html
http://www.ubersite.com/m/7245
http://www.sjhigh.ca/about/vitalis/issue1-2/homer.shtml
http://www.comingsoon.net/forums/archive/index.php/t-26125.html
http://www.duffgardens.net/index.php?go=Editorials_familyguy
I refer you to these other sites because all of them fail to comprehensively assess the greater points of each character in detail enough to determine a clear winner. Also I feel I must point out that Homer needs a handicap due to the fact that the Simpsons has run for more than 15 seasons while Family Guy has only run for 3.

Winner: Peter Griffin. Yes Homer Simpson was the reigning king of sitcom parental figures … until the Griffins were unleashed to the world on January 31, 1999. Now this is going to sound blasphemous but Peter is the concentrated essence of Homer. He is not only more idiotic, but fatter, a worse parent, drinks more beer, and watches more TV. Although, he couldn’t have become half the father he is today with out Homer every apprentice will eventually beat their mentor.

Conan O’Brien vs. Conan the Barbarian

2005-03-04T15:07:00.001-05:00

It’s no doubt they share the same name and both are at the prime of their career. Mr. Barbarian is perhaps the best warrior the world as ever seen and Mr. O’Brien is the undisputed king of late night shows. Both have a superior intellect but only one of them is really funny – you decide.
Stats:

Conan the Barbarian
- Child sold into slavery who grows into a man who seeks revenge against the warlord who massacred his tribe
- Massive, grim, unfriendly and has a dark, dismal outlook on life
- Hails from the distant northland of Cimmeria
- Likes good food, strong drink, and willing wenches
- Master of many forms of combat
- Unparalleled sword ability
- Tremendous physical strength
- Sharp wit and a keen intellect
- Quick to anger and heedless of authority
- Strict moral code and sense of ethics

Conan O’Brien
- Referred to as the most cunning talk show around
- Modest, wry, self-effacing and demonstrably the most intelligent of the late-night comics
- Supervising producer of The Simpsons
- Was on Adam Sandler's first CD.
- Writer for Saturday Night Live
- Side kicks : Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Pimpbot 5000, and The Masturbating Bear

Winner: Conan O’Brien. The Barbarian almost won it though. Good thing Pimpbot 5000 made a cameo appearance and bitch slapped the Barbarian into compliance.

Gandhi vs. Mother Teresa

2005-03-02T09:46:00.000-05:00

Why would theses two peaceful prophets fight? - You might ask. The answer is simple: too determine who the world’s most nonviolent person is. Now to kick it up notch; Gandhi has a chainsaw for a hand and Mother Teresa has pretty sweat skills with a bow staff. Also they both have the ability to shoot huge crazy fireballs, think Dragonball Z. ‘Nuff said, on to the fight.
Stats:

Gandhi:
- Born in Porbandar, India on October 2, 1869 Died January 30, 1948
- Studied law in London
- Chainsaw : Husqvarna 3120XP Chainsaw w/ 36" Bar, Engine speed 12000 rpm of peace kicking ass
- Follower of Satyagraha, a nonviolence philosophy
- Helped India gain independence from the British
- Worked as a lawyer in South Africa: Mahatma Gandhi Attorney at Law
- Fire ball: Kamehameha - devastating energy attack launched with both hands from his side
- Never awarded the Nobel Peace Prize

Mother Teresa
- Born August 27, 1910 in Skopje Died on September 5, 1997
- Founded the Nirmal Hriday Home for the Dying
- Work has been recognized and acclaimed throughout the world
- Other skills: Numbchuk skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills…
- Received Pope John XXIII Peace Prize, the Nehru Prize, Balzan Prize, and the Templeton and Magsaysay awards.
- Fire ball: Special Beam Cannon – Releases focused curly-cue like ray of energy

Winner: Mother Teresa. After a long and strenuous battle the victor has emerged. Gandhi started of the bout with a chainsaw wielding uppercut but was thrown to the ground from a bow staff strike to the knee. Teresa then attacked with a flying jump kick to the groin which Gandhi countered by landing a fire ball energy attack. Mother Teresa was then thrown through a large pane of glass and a brick wall. She then jumps up and dusts her self off and runs at Gandhi wildly yelling. Just as she is about to invoke Special Beam Cannon Gandhi initializes Satyagraha protection shield. Gandhi then trips on a rock and dies. Now I’m going to hell for this.

Count Chocula vs. Count von Count from Sesame Street

2005-03-01T17:39:00.000-05:00

Beneath their enthusiasm and aristocratic charm, both of these counts possess a dark and evil soul which can only reign supreme if the other is slain. They have known since the dawn of time that this day would come. Chocula and Count von Count come together in this epic battle of vampires.
How they stack up:

Count Chocula
- No other breakfast cereal character rivals the charisma of Count Chocula
- Has one single solitary fang in the center of his mouth
- Single-handedly tries to peddle his chocolately spooky-fun cereal to the world
- Undead since 1971
- Frightened of rodents and small children
- Survives on the blood of fellow cereal monsters
- Side kick: Spooky marshmallow ghosts

Count von Count
- Obsessive compulsive addiction to counting (arithomania), and then uncontrollably laughing afterwards
- Will count anything regardless of size, amount, or how much annoyance he is causing
- Sidekick: Muppet bats and cat
- Possible relation to Bela Lugosi
- Able to survive daylight
- Female companion : Countess Dahling Von Dahling
- Undead since 1972
- Caused sheep to strike because of excessive counting
- Mexican count name : El Conde Contar
- Survives on the blood of fellow Muppets

This fight takes place on the mean streets of Sesame with crack addicted irritable bums that live in trashcans and enormous mutant yellow sub human birds. Since both vampires are potentially immortal and each have their own respective vice: chocolate and counting, this has the potential to be gruesome.

Winner: Count von Count. Chocula really jumps into this fight “fang” first and doesn’t adequately prepare for the fanatical mind of the Count von Count. First off, Von Count has a small colony of rabid bats that can do his evil bidding. Second, and more importantly, this fight takes place on Von Count’s home turf, which he will defend at all costs. The final “nail in the coffin”, so to speak, is his sexy seductress: Countess Dahling von Dahling. She fatally lures Count Chocula into a theobromine (no not a threesome, it’s the primary psychoactive components of chocolate) overdose; he is immediately rushed to a local hospital but is later pronounce dead. Just to be sure though, the doctor rams one, ah…ah...ah… spooky-fun chocolate and marshmallow steak through his heart and puts him “down for the count” – sorry I couldn’t help it.

Robot from lost in space vs. Mars Rover

2005-02-28T13:32:00.000-05:00

Battle Bots from hell… in space… on steroids. These two robots have different agendas, different technologies, and different backgrounds but they do share one common purpose: Total annihilation of all opposing robots.
Robo Stats:

Mars Rover:
- Cost: Approximately $410 million total
- 384 pounds
- Generate power with their solar panels
- Take color, stereoscopic images with high-resolution cameras
- Six wheels, with a motor in each wheel
- Have Rock Abrasion Tool a.k.a. robot destructor device
- Alpha-particle X-ray gun
- Max speed 100 feet per hour
- Brain runs at only 20 megahertz, and hase less that 1 megabyte of ram but runs on ultra-reliable VxWorks – not XP

Robot
- Cost $75,000
- 200 pounds
- Chest lights and motorized feelers were powered by an electrical cord
- Primary Directives: Preserve Robinson family, Monitor Planetary environment, Give sufficient warning if danger is imminent; especially to Will Robinson
- 7 feet tall
- Currently acting as a commercial spokesman for Altoids Mints
- Intelligent metal version of the dog "Lassie"
- Brain runs on DOS

Winner: Mars Rover; Yea I know you probably disagree, but NASA said they would give me an alpha-particle X-ray gun if I promoted their Rover. Robot is outweighed by about 184 pounds and it’s about 409,925,000.00 dollars cheaper. I’m not even sure if Robot has a gun – Rover on the other hand has the devastating rock abrasion tool. Mars Rover wins with a K.O. - Will Robison is unquestionably now in danger.

Sea Biscuit vs. Mr. Ed

2005-02-27T14:45:00.000-05:00

It’s common knowledge that Sea Biscuit could not plausibly fight Mr. Ed due to the fact that Sea Biscuit was from the 1930s and Mr. Ed was around in 1963. But, it just so happens that we have a little car called a Delorean and we crammed him in there and shot him back in time; problem solved. Now you could say that Sea Biscuit is an old fashion type horse and has a serious personality clash with Mr. Ed’s Hollywood type appeal. A few beers later they are ready to rumble.
Her are your stats:

Sea Biscuit
- First victory in stakes race at age two
- A national icon during the darkest years of the Depression
- Rough-hewn, undersized, and bad knees
- Side kick : legendary half-blind jockey Red Pollard and super awesome monkey named JoJo (this is true)
- Raced in 89 races and won 33
- Arch Enemy : War Admiral: a pure evil, devious, sadistic rival racing horse
- Favorite activity : Sleep
- Born 1933 died 1947

Mr. Ed
- Capable of communicating in English with humans
- Flown an airplane, gave a birthday party, drove a delivery truck, and rode a surfboard
- Related to Francis The Talking Mule
- Side kick : An architect name Wilbur Post
- Didn’t do his own stunts
- Alias : Bamboo Harvest: a parade and show horse
- Chess Player
- Born 1951 died 1970

Mr. Ed definitely out weighs Sea Biscuit and probably has a little more dexterity considering his surfing ability. On the other hand, JoJo the monkey, Sea Biscuit’s companion could undeniably crush Wilbur Post in some kind of berserk monkey rage. Unfortunately this is only a one horse on horse fight.

Winner: Sea Biscuit; No not because his movie was inspirational or anything like that. He won because Mr. Ed is a phony. He doesn’t even do all his own stunts. And besides Bamboo Harvest sounds a little gay to me.

Sloth vs. Chewbacca

2005-02-26T15:26:00.000-05:00

The lovable and deformed Goonie Sloth has a real fight on his hands. Chewbacca is ready to rumble. Each of these two characters communicates through an equally unintelligible dialect. Chewy might be a little more intelligent, and sure Sloth has been physically abused since he was a child but that’s not what this fight is about. It’s about honor, and integrity.
Here’s the stats:

Sloth:
- Superman and pirate movie enthusiast
- Side kick : Chunk, overweight, like ice-cream
- Youngest of the Fratelli brother
- Sloth a.k.a. John Matuszak, former Oakland Raider and 2 time super bowl champ
- Able to hold heavy boulders to prevent cave-ins
- Abused by mother and kept chained to the basement
- Eight foot tall
- Poor dental hygiene

Chewbacca:
- Immense, fur covered warrior of great strength and loyalty
- Wookie from Kshyyk
- A wise, sophisticated being with exceptional skills in starship piloting and repair
- Legendary temper
- 2.28 meters tall
- Has a coat of ginger-brown fur
- Weapon of choice Bowcaster

Winner: Chewbacca. Sloth really didn’t stand a chance in this one. Throughout the entire fight a constant and indecipherable shouting could be heard. Chewy really only had to lure Sloth in with a candy bar and deliver a final devastating shot with his pistol.

Columbo vs. Hello Kitty

2005-02-25T16:13:00.000-05:00

I will admit that I don’t exactly know what in the hell Hello Kitty is or what it’s all about; But I am going to get to the bottom of this phenomenon and more importantly evaluate if the greatest detective of the modern era can kick its ass.

Hello Kitty:
- Symbolizes generosity, innocence, kindness, friendship, ext.
- Lives in London, England, and in the 3rd Grade
- Travels the world making new friends
- Birth date: November 1st, 1974
- Weight: the same as 3 apples (side note – APPLES! why can’t she weigh a few ounces or 1.4 eggplants)
- Likes: small, cute things, candy, stars, goldfish, etc
- Trademark: red bow on left ear.
- Best product: Hello Kitty vibrator

Columbo:
- Born: September 16, 1927, New York, NY
- Appeared to have an unassuming, disorganized, and polite demeanor
- Underestimated by all criminals
- Drives old Peugeot with over 100,000 miles
- Worked in Homicide for 15 years at the Los Angeles police department
- Fought in Korea for the U.S. Army
- Wears a rumpled overcoat and smokes stubby cigars

Winner: Columbo; The Hello Kitty Vibrator does seem pretty intriguing but everything else about this curious product disturbs me for some reason. On the other hand Lieutenant Columbo is the shit.

Olson Twins vs. Hilton Sisters

2005-02-24T13:16:00.000-05:00

YES. You did read right. I just want to know why this fight hasn’t happened already. Well it goes with out saying that it is going to be a very public brawl and it will probably be broadcast on national television or at least pay-per-view. No other venue could possibly hold the crowds that would come to see this other than the Mandalay Bay resort and casino in Las Vegas. Also it is going to be under the Ultimate Fighting Championship rules and take place in the octagon, with a cage.
Here’s your stats:

Olson Twins:
- Earned their wealth
- Combined worth is estimated at $300 million
- Average height is 5’ ½’’
- youngest self-made millionaires in American history
- Both are 18
- own a clothing line that retails at Wal-Mart
- Publish the Mary-Kate and Ashley Magazine
- Practice Yoga
- Own the number one girls videogame franchise in the world
- Owns 32 different domain names to get to their official site
- On the Forbes list of the World's 100 most powerful celebrities
- Zero Playboy appearances or nude photo shoots - and no porn video

Hilton Sisters
- Born into wealth
- Combined worth is estimated at $60 million
- Average height is 5’ 7’’
- Arch enemies : Stella & Lola Schnabel, daughters of painter Julian Schnabel
- Paris 22, Nicky 19
- well known for throwing tantrums of epic proportions
- working on owning chain of trendy up-market clothing stores
- top on the list of the young, rich and single on FHM
- Paris is a great amateur porn actress

Ok now let’s determine some the rules of this UFC style fight: No Eye gouging, biting, or hair pulling. No putting a finger into any orifice (we’ll waive this one) or into any cut or laceration on an opponent. Can win by submission or knock out.

Winner: Draw; just kidding the Olson Twins. As much as I would have like to se Paris put Mary-Kate into a sleeper hold with her legs she just couldn’t do it. Mary-Kate and Ashley have clearly trained long and hard for this, just like everything they do and it shows. They also have some type of evil genius working for them in the background. How else could they have amassed 300 million dollars selling this crap? Paris shows up to the bout intoxicated, but Mary-Kate is weakened by anorexia. So its up to Ashley to finish off Nicky. She does this by calling upon her vast army of 14 year old girls who savagely beat Nicky into submission.

Dog the Bounty Hunter vs. Boba Fett

2005-02-23T08:40:00.000-05:00

The Dog versus the Fett. The Hawaiian Billy the Kid against the Ultimate Imperial Stormtrooper. These two know how to take down target, they know how to neutralize a fugitive, and they have an arsenal of gadgets at their disposals. What brings these two together to the exotic island of Borneo is they have a common fugitive: Martha Stewart. Apparently she baked her way out of prison.
Let’s see how they stack up:

Dog:
- Self-proclaimed “greatest bounty hunter in the world
- Six thousand-plus captures over the past two decades
- A highly intense, charismatic ex-con
- Vows to help make America a safer place for all
- Weapons : Mace, Handcuff, other non-lethal weapons
- Wears goofy spandex pants
- Slightly Egotistical

Boba Fett
- A powerful, provocative, mysterious character
- Holds several records for bounties
- Received the largest bounty ever: 5 million credits (conversion to American dollars about 4.723 million and 27 cents)
- Boba Fett is humanoid
- Referred to as Lord of the Bounty Hunters
- Wears a weapon-covered armored spacesuit
- Has a macrobinocular viewplate with 360 degree field of view, infrared scope, sensor array, and microcomputer
- Weapons : wrist lasers, rocket darts, miniature flame throwers, and concussion grenade launchers

There is a lot going for this battle, the stakes are high, the jungle is hot, and Martha is on the run. Dog lives in Hawaii so he is at home in the jungle. On the other hand Boba Fett has a jet pack. And Martha Stewart has just wiped up some of her famous banana nut and jungle millipede bread.

Winner: Boba Fett; Despite the obvious fact that he has an armory on his wrist and a jetpack on his back, this fight was a close one. What Boba Fett didn’t know is that Borneo is home to the Orangutan - a childhood fear of his. While Fett is coping with the wild apes, Dog dive bombs Martha Stuart from the canopy of the jungle. He handcuffs his target but not before trying some of Martha’s banana nut and millipede bread. Immediately after Dog the Bounty Hunter breaks out in hives and begins to convulse. As it turns out he is allergic to millipede. Meanwhile Boba Fett remembers he has an anti-orangutan net device that he installed a few months ago. Boba Fett takes over were the Dog left off and delivers the perpetrator to the proper authorities.

Slimer vs. Casper

2005-02-21T17:18:00.000-05:00

These two charismatic supernatural anomalies come together for this fight. Both have unfinished business to settle. Both are out for blood or what ever the hell they are full of. Casper is done being friendly he’s about to become Casper the Sadistic Ghost. Slimer however is ready to take gluttony to the next level.
How it looks for both sides:

Slimer:
- Insatiable appetite for any food
- Often used as a test for ghostbusting equipment.
- Side kick - Stay Puffed Marshmallow man.
- Preferred method of attack is to plaster the aggressor with a slimy secretion.

Casper:
- I guess friendly goes with out saying
- “always says hello” according to the song
- kind to every living creature
- Side kick – little girl named Kat

This is indisputably an evenly matched fight. It has the potential to go the full 12 rounds.

Winner: Casper; All that pint up anger and frustration has built up inside of Casper for too long. His repressed emotions have finally given way to violent and sever schizophrenia. Slimer goes with his usual mean of assault but is completely struck of guard by an uncharacteristically unfriendly and ballistic Casper. Then in an ironic twist of fate Slimer chokes on his own slim and dies.

Killer Attack Zombie Terrorists vs. Genghis Khan

2005-02-20T20:55:00.000-05:00

Well we all knew it was going to come down to this. You have to fight fire with fire. Really who else could possibly stand a chance against zombie terrorist other than the original terrorist him self Mr. Khan. Genghis Khan’s pure hatred for all things zombie would serve as a catalyst for his rage. But what he doesn’t know is that these are not your average, run of the mill type zombie terrorists. They are Killer Attack Zombie Terrorists. With that being said it’s on to the stats:

Genghis Khan
- conquered more territory than any other conqueror
- Bad Ass of the 13th century
- megalomaniacal greed for territory and riches
- organizational and strategic genius
- created one of the most highly-disciplined and effective armies in history
- founding father of Mongolia
- Will go to great lengths to kill zombies

Killer Attack Zombie Terrorists
- Prefer infidel brains
- Proforms acts of violence against the public
- Trys to intimidate a population through eating brains
- Will attack then kill anything other than a zombie terrorist including other non-combative zombies

First off, I would like to make it clear that even though I am an American and do have a certain discontent for terrorist I will try and make this as unbiased as possible. Zombie Terrorists might have the advantage because they out number Khan and are also undead.

Winner: Who was I kidding; Genghis Khan wins by a landslide. The Killer Attack Zombie Terrorists try one of their limping suicide bomber attacks. But the Zombie Terrorist is distracted by fresh brains on the ground and inadvertently detonates killing the majority of his counterparts. However the main zombie is left : Ayman Al-Zomb-awahiri. Genghis Khan knows the only true thing to enrage him is the sight of a females ankles, which is precisely why he brought along Mrs. Khan. When Al-Zomb-awahiri sees this he becomes furious and runs for the Mongolian leader. He is immediately decapitated by Khan’s sword.

Rat infected with bubonic plague vs. Mosquito infected with Malaria

2005-02-18T16:58:00.000-05:00

Ahh, yes the age old argument over which pest will win. It has been debated for years with no clear winner. Well I am here to set the record straight. I intend to put the facts out in the open and then determine a clear winner. Rat vs. Mosquito just wouldn’t be a real fight without upping the ante with horrible deadly diseases.

Rat infected with bubonic plague
- Aggressive towards humans and rival rats
- Weigh over 500 grams
- Caused about half of bird and reptile extinctions
- Cannibalistic
- Vicious, unclean, parasitic animals that steal food and spread disease.
- Bubonic plague is extremely deadly and gruesome
- Death rate is 90%, time of infection to death is less than one week
- Has killed 2 million victims in one year

Mosquito infected with Malaria
- Have long piercing-sucking proboscis
- Lives 14 days
- Bite all warm or cold blooded animals
- Painful and persistent biters
- Strong fliers and are known to fly many miles
- 40% of the world's population is susceptible to malaria
- Causes three million deaths annually

Those are some of the major stats on each contender. I am not sure if a rat can be infected with malaria or a mosquito with bubonic plague but for all intensive purposes they can. This fight could really go in either direction. If the rat can get a hold of the mosquito it’s pretty much over.

Winner: Mosquito infected with Malaria. Why you may ask. Well it’s simple really the mosquito goes for the aerial attack and lands a good bit. Rat infected with bubonic plague
Then try’s a tuck and roll technique but to no avail. Mosquito see this coming and easily out maneuvers him and flies away laughing. Exactly one week later Rat with plague is dead but he did manage to spread a few infected fleas along the way.

Smurfs vs. Fraggle Rock

2005-02-18T11:12:00.000-05:00

This is a full crusade of epic proportions. These two docile and benevolent peace full species have unexpectedly gathered for the battle of miniature magnitude. This fight will ultimately determine who controls the land. This could prove to be the fight of the apocalypse. Lets see how both sides are panning out:

Smurfs:
- Over a100 years old
- good alchemist
- Papa Smurf is the oldest of all at 542 years old
- Three apples high ??? (WTF) , and have blue skin
- Speak a very strange language. Words are replaced by “Smurf”
- Gargamel originally created Smurfette to stir up trouble in the village
- Sassette the little known other female smurf; hate’s smurfete
- Arch enemy : Gargamel; an evil sorcerer and cat Azrael; mangy, stupid and evil

Fraggle Rock:
- Lives underground
- furry, have tails, and come in multiple colors
- Gobo – Leader of the Fraggle Five- he is audacious and cunning
- Aurora Fragglialis is a sacred waterfall
- Arch enemy : Sprocket; a dog capable of using his "hands" to pick things up, use them, throw them, make his own food recipes, and he can operate a computer

If this fight were to involve the two villains Gargamel vs. Sprocket the winner is obvious. Sprocket would win hand down. Because the Fraggles have had years of oppression due to Sprocket the dog one might think they have the advantage. However the Smurfs are a resourceful variety of creatures.

Winner: Smurfs. They have their secret weapon – Brainy Smurf, sure he’s Pappa Smurf’s kiss ass, but he is exceptionally gifted in atomic theory. Once his main weapon - the Smurfdrogen A-Bomb is launched against Fragle-shima, he annihilated 140,000 Fragglerockians. Immediately after that the Fraggle Rock inhabitants called for an end to the brutal slaughter

Bill Gates vs. Pinky and the Brain – the Brain

2005-02-18T10:57:00.000-05:00

The Brain and the Gates are both undoubtedly determined to take over the world, that goes with out saying. But each have their own techniques. The similarity are numerous with these two here are just a few : Both have side kicks, both have a devious plans of action and implement them as much as possible.
How it looks for both sides:

Bill Gates
- Born on Oct. 28, 1955 Seattle
- Loves of computers and software
- Richest private individual in the World with a net worth of over 50 billion dollars
- Owns a $97 million 40,000-square-foot mansion
- Side Kick - Steve Ballmer

The Brain
- A genius
- Genes have been spliced
- Four inches tall

Winner: Bill Gates, hands down. The Brain constantly tries and fails to take over the world, Bill Gates already owns it.

Crack head vs. Badger

2005-02-17T21:44:00.000-05:00

First of this fight would need to take place in the ghetto with gang-bangers on one side and other badgers on the other side.
How it looks for both side:

Crack head
– feels no pain
– on average is about 5’10’’ weighs 100 lbs
– sole purpose in life is crack
– will do any thing to get more crack
– is accustom to fighting for crack
– cares little for personal hygiene
– is used to years of abuse from the streets

Badger
- 30 to 35 ‘ in length
- have on average 34 teeth
- territorial
- excellent senses of hearing and smell
- loose fitting skin prevents them from being held by another animals
- eat just about everything
- can strike a target up to 39 inches away

This fight has too much going for it for it to wind up in a draw. Crack heads have been an arch rival of plenty of Americans since the early 80’s whilst on the other hand badgers have been a constant problem since the dawn of time. Badgers are also ferocious and extremely tough.

Winner: Badger; A Crack Head will always be distracted by a rock while a badger will defend its territory and fight to the death.

Sharks with lasers vs. Optimus Prime

2005-02-17T21:19:00.000-05:00

Optimus Prime is the leader of the transformers. He is a force not be underestimated. However sharks with lasers a vicious killers that have an added advantage in their arsenal. They are bent on destruction and have all the means necessary to delivery upon their goal. Perhaps they are just a evil genius tool but maybe they have gone for long enough without the extra fire power for what they really want most.

Sharks with Lasers
- Can grow up to 50’ long
- streamlined, torpedo-shaped bodies
- have no bones, only cartilage
- up to 3,000 teeth
- wildly attacks anything in the area
- capable of firing 2,500 twin 20mm Vulcan cannon rounds per minute
- strike at the speed of light
- can disable optically guided missiles

Optimus Prime
- Leader of the Autobots
- Incredible strength
- 18,950 lbs , 22feet 10inches
- Can turn into a heavy duty semi-truck
- Vowed to fight against the evil Decepticons
- Always in favor of peace
- Will not hesitate to use his great powers and vast arsenal

Well this is another fight the completely depends on the venue. If shark with lasers were to fight in water he would have the clear advantage however Optimus Prime can turn in to an 18 wheeler which is best suited for use on sold ground.

Winner: This is a tough one. Both contenders are evenly matched. Both have a ranged attacks; both have brutal close corridors fighting skills. However the fight takes place on the shore. Optimus Prime can shoot his missiles into the water and shark with lasers can shoot his lasers onto the land. Shark with lasers wins because 1st missiles and other projectiles that Optimus Prime is accustom to launching, are worthless in the water. Also the leader of the Autobots perception is distorted by the water causing him to miss. Shark with lasers on the other hand has a freakin laser – throw me a freakin bone here people.

Chyna vs. Wonder woman

2005-02-17T21:15:00.000-05:00

Sexy is the only word to describe this fight. First it would absolutely need to take place in a kiddy pool full of KY Jelly and they would need to both be topless. Lets take a look at the line up.
How it looks for both sides:

Chyna
- Referred to as 'The Ninth Wonder Of The World' by ringside announcers
- 5'10" 190 lbs
- first woman to compete in a Royal Rumble PPV
- Been in Play Boy
- physical female "brawler" and a full blown Diva

Wonder Woman
- Princes of an immortal race of Amazonian
- From uncharted Paradise Island
- Part of World War II secret program
- Champions good to combat evil.
- Fights for truth, justice, and protects the world from harm.
- Has a truth telling lasso and an invisible plane

The odds are defiantly stacked against Chyna the main reason being that she can … well, die, and has no super powers. This match is fought nearly naked so Wonder Woman can use her special toys (no not that) the invisible plane and the lasso.

Winner: Chyna ; who would have thought the KY Jelly would be Wonder Woman’s kryptonite. Chyna puts Wonder Woman in a scissors with her massive legs and puts her down for the count.

McDonald Hamburgler vs. Cookie Crisp Crook

2005-02-17T21:11:00.000-05:00

McDonald Hamburgler vs. Cookie Crisp Crook
Both are hardened career criminals of the worst degree. They obviously are had tough childhoods and probably grew up on the streets.
How it looks for both sides:

McDonald Hamburgler
- obsessive compulsive behavior centered around hamburgers
- just over four feet tall.
- Arch nemesis is Ronald McDonald
- First offense unknown but probably a violent offender

Cookie Crisp Crook
- Arch nemesis is Officer Krum
- Side Kick is Chip the Cookie Hound
- Always goes to jail for larceny
- Will go to any means necessary to obtain a cookie

Well this fight could last more than a few rounds. Clearly both convicts have substantial amounts of stamina and are dedicated to their cause. Due to the fact that Hamburgler has never been incarcerated since he supposedly broke out, the edge would have to be give to him. On the other hand, though Cookie Crisp Crook has a vicious dog fully capable of tearing the Hamburgle limb from limb.

Winner: McDonald Hamburgler because he has evade arrest enough times to be able to know the Cook Crisp Crook main weakness – the police. He would clearly use this to his advantage some how.

Soccer Mom in Soccer Mom Van with kids vs. Hippo

2005-02-17T21:09:00.000-05:00

The soccer mom is a force to be record with. Her snot nosed little tykes kick a soccer ball and they invoke a instinctual protection mechanism from their mother whilst the hippo is responsible for a substantial amount of deaths each year in Africa. This match could be any ones guess.
How it looks for both sides:

Hippopotamus
- cause more human deaths than any other wild creature in Africa Hippos spend most of their days in the water
- 5’ height at the shoulder and has a length of 15’
- extremely aggressive and unpredictable
- teeth can be 20 inches long
- use their heads as sledgehammers
- up to 9900 lbs

Soccer Mom
- represent over 850,000 caravanners
- top speed 70+ mph
- 5040 pounds
- superior soccer principles for children

An excellent example of nurture over nature this example clearly will explain who in the end will triumph. It’s assumed that the fight had to come to such a ending but all good things must come to a bloody horribly gruesome ending.

Winner : Soccer Mom ; Due to her pure hatred for anything opposing her children including the referee; a hippopotamus only stands a winning chance if the fight were to take place in some sort of marsh or inland water arena. Granted the hippo weighs nearly twice as much as the caravan a soccer mom in danger will do any thing to protect her offspring including accelerating up to more than 70 mph and careening with the killer African Beast.

Helen Keller vs. CEO of Helen Keller International

2005-02-17T20:54:00.000-05:00

Now this would be a fight that would never happen unless a super villain forced them to fight or he would destroy mankind as we know it here is how it would play out :
How it looks for both side:

Helen Keller
- Blind and Deaf
- symbol of courage in the face of overwhelming odds
- luminous intelligence, high ambition and great accomplishment
- dedicated to patience, and courage

CEO
- Responsible for all operations, programs, finances, communications and public policy initiatives of HKI
- Served as President and CEO of The Children’s Village
- bridged the gap between practitioners, academics and policy makers
- built the agency from an annual budget of $3 million to the current $40 million with a staff of over 650 individuals.

Winner: Helen Keller; She has this fight as long as she keeps it in close quarters. Through literally blind rage and brute force Helen Keller would prevail. Also the CEO of Helen Keller International would have some serious moral objections to annihilating the founder of her company.