Monday, March 07, 2005
Sorority Girl vs. Sasquatch
It’s time to get back to the randomness. Sorority Girl and Sasquatch have shared a common living space for centuries. It was really only a matter of time before these two came together for this fantastic spectacle of lip gloss and mangy smelly hair. I know I personally am psyched to see this one go down.
Let take a look at our stats:
- Humanlike creature said to live in the Pacific Northwest
- Hundreds of people have reported seeing the Bigfoot or its footprints
- 7 to 10 feet tall and weighing more than 500 pounds
- Thick fur, long arms, powerful shoulders, and a short neck – just like your mom
- A.K.A. : Bigfoot, Abominable Snowman, Yeti
- Sasquatch in Indian means "hairy man"
- Has an odor similar to musk
- Part of the Gigantopithecus genus
- A semi-nomadic species that survives in vast remote forests
- Neurotically makes Greek lettered shirts for no reason
- Arch enemy: freshman girls
- Similar to a camel (there isn’t a “toe” after that”)... eating isn't necessarily a daily activity
- More concerned with reputation than all other personality traits
- Pays outrageous dues for sorority membership
- Glitter applied in half pound increments
- Constantly screaming sorority's irritating cheers
- Assumes birth control pills make her immune to STDs
Winner: Sasquatch. First off, I love sorority girls as much as the next guy. This isn’t about that, it’s about who wins in a fight. So here’s how it plays out: Sasquatch and his Sasquatchian frat bro’s decide to crash this sorority party. They show up slightly intoxicated and start making trouble. The battle last for hours, the brutality: horrendous, the death toll: immeasurable. At some point during the confrontation the head Sorority Girl finally decides to “bring it”. Sasquatch spots his chance to finally confront the leader who has oppressed his tribe for long enough. He unsheathes his saber and sprints towards her and lands a clean strike just below her jugular. Immediately afterwards all the other sorority sisters turn to dust. Long Live Sasquatch.