Wednesday, March 23, 2005

The Ninja Turtles vs. their Ancient Counterparts as U.S. Navy Seals

Turtles vs. their Ancient Counterparts

Get yer versus fix on. Who knows? Maybe Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman of Mirage comics wanted to educate people reading their comics by naming the four protagonists after celebrities of the Renaissance. Or maybe they were both art aficionados of 15th century talent. What ever the case may be … just what if, some how, in some way these 4 artists trained in underwater demolitions and amphibious combat came into contact with their ninja weapon wielding, totally crude attitude counterparts. This is like four separate battles all taking place straddling two very separate centuries involving two equally different cultures.
Quadro-Stats:

Donatello the Turtle vs. Donatello the Sculptor:

Purple Turtle
- Weapon: Bo Staff
- Likes classical music, mathematics, inventing, and generally telling the other Turtles to calm the hell down
- Pretty much the dork of the Turtles

Sculptor
- One of the hardest working artist of all time
- Has a thorough knowledge of human anatomy
- Can sculpt with wood, marble, bronze and other material
- A Master of maritime Special Operations

Leonardo the Turtle vs. Leonardo da Vinci

Blue Turtle:
- Weapon: Katanas
- Apparently has no time for hobbies but does like candles (scented?)
- The turtle that is most in touch with his feminine side
- Trains diligently in Ninjitsu

Leonardo da Vinci:
- Italian painter, draftsman, sculptor, architect, and engineer – a fairly well rounded guy
- Unrivalled quality and attention to detail that few artists could come close too
- Painted a little something called the Mona Lisa
- Expert in utilizing combinations of specialized training, equipment, and tactics

Michelangelo the Turtle vs. Michelangelo Buonarroti:

Orange Turtle:
- Weapon: Nunchakus
- Likes skating, surfing, pizza, video games (… and I’m going to have to say smoking the refer)
- The turtle that’s says gimme’ a break, and throws the pizza at the camera, in the old series
- A Party Dude and definitely the coolest turtle

Michelangelo Buonarroti:
- Acknowledged as a supreme artist
- Was a muscular, dexterous, and fairly big guy
- The greatest marble sculptors of all time
- Has extreme tactical force and strategic impact

Raphael the Turtle vs. Raphael Sanzio:

Red Turtle:
- Weapon: Sai
- Sports enthusiast and likes to eat cereal
- The anti-social Goth guy of the Turtles

Raphael Sanzio:
- A master painter and architect
- Suggestive and easily influenced
- Painted Madonna with Christ and St. John the Baptist
- An expert in unconventional warfare, direct action, terrorism combat, and special reconnaissance

Side note: Krang vs. M.C. Escher. Krang was that brain thing on the ninja turtles that lived inside of that robot guy. He lives in dimension x, was a warlord, and doesn’t believe in any taxes what so ever. Escher was a conceptual graphic artist that was fascinated with abstract patterns and symmetrical impossibilities. Who win this? Well that’s not the fight.

Winner: The Turtles Counterparts. So maybe Navy Seals was a little to much of a handicap. What ever; I still stand by the judges rulings. These were the most creative artists of the 14th and 15th century, and when they also have the skills of trained killers, mutant reptilians that know martial arts just don’t seem like the same type of threat that they are to Shredder even if they were trained by a rat.
Comments:
Word; Turtles lost to a bunch of old f*ckers. That pretty much took me completely off guard.
 
Yup, that’s how it goes sometimes. Always appreciate a comment.
 
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