Monday, March 28, 2005
Brazilian red bellied piranhas vs. Caveman
A cave man fights some piranhas? That is the oldest feud known to mankind. Even our ancient ancestors knew that, those fish, in that pond, are constantly scheming and plotting our demise. Now for the twist: the piranhas were part of an experiment at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and they have been engineered to have abnormal mental capacities. Nicodemus, the main piranha, also has a future predicting hologram vortex. Mr. Caveman has no added abilities.
Brazilian red bellied piranhas:
- Referred to as cannibal (Lector) fish or caribe
- A viscous and ferocious killer with no mercy – like Stuart Smalley a.k.a Al Franken
- Main diet: flesh, fish, fingers, bull testicals, asparagus, and lastly cavemen
- Once accidentally released into a summer camp’s rivers by a government agency called 'Operation Razorteeth' inexplicably having a devastating effect on the health of it’s attendees
- Super-intelligent, escaped, lab piranhas that have built a complicated democratic society inside a submerged dead cow
- Numerous appearances endorsing Geico Car Insurance
- Around 10,000 to 2 million years ago. (now that is accuracy)
- All about the rudimentary stone tools
- Main diet: fruits, nuts, roots, insects, and Ramen Noodles
- Could not produce fire, but seemed to enjoy dragging their women by their hair, and carrying a wooden club
- Morbidly afraid of Brazilian red bellied piranhas
Side note: They both seem evenly enough matched. Piranhas are small and have red bellies; Caveman is big and carries a wooden club. Alright, I lied … Piranhas have 73.9 to 1 odds against Mr. Caveman – Place your bets now.
Winner: Caveman. Now is when you give me your money – all seventy-three dollars and nine cents of it. There’s no need for any type of an explanation as to why. Stop asking. Alright, OK. Here it is: Caveman is doing caveman like stuff bouncing around the forest, when BAM he falls face first into a ravenous shoal of super-intelligent piranhas. The piranhas then form a complicated system of levers and pulleys to try and save the caveman. As it turns out they don’t believe in slaughtering inferior defenseless animals. Once Caveman is helped out of the water he tries to make his friends think that he defeated them on his own. So he throws his club back in and destroys the piranha’s contraption killing three of the noble and wise leaders. (Is anyone still reading this?)
Then Nicodemus, the main piranha jumps out of the pond with a gill-to-air breathing apparatus he designed. While Caveman is walking away he hears this and spins around. Caveman first tries to apologize, then bargain, then plea. Nicodemus is distracted by this and the other caveman draw and quarter him. Later … Caveman’s insecticides leak into the piranha’s pond and slowly kill them over multiple generations. – You asked.
Very well-done! Always a good rule of thumb: anything that lives in a pond will totally kick some ass. (I have two red-bellied little guys of my own watching me as I type this)