Tuesday, March 29, 2005
It’s been fun
Monday, March 28, 2005
Brazilian red bellied piranhas vs. Caveman
A cave man fights some piranhas? That is the oldest feud known to mankind. Even our ancient ancestors knew that, those fish, in that pond, are constantly scheming and plotting our demise. Now for the twist: the piranhas were part of an experiment at the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) and they have been engineered to have abnormal mental capacities. Nicodemus, the main piranha, also has a future predicting hologram vortex. Mr. Caveman has no added abilities.
Brazilian red bellied piranhas:
- Referred to as cannibal (Lector) fish or caribe
- A viscous and ferocious killer with no mercy – like Stuart Smalley a.k.a Al Franken
- Main diet: flesh, fish, fingers, bull testicals, asparagus, and lastly cavemen
- Once accidentally released into a summer camp’s rivers by a government agency called 'Operation Razorteeth' inexplicably having a devastating effect on the health of it’s attendees
- Super-intelligent, escaped, lab piranhas that have built a complicated democratic society inside a submerged dead cow
- Numerous appearances endorsing Geico Car Insurance
- Around 10,000 to 2 million years ago. (now that is accuracy)
- All about the rudimentary stone tools
- Main diet: fruits, nuts, roots, insects, and Ramen Noodles
- Could not produce fire, but seemed to enjoy dragging their women by their hair, and carrying a wooden club
- Morbidly afraid of Brazilian red bellied piranhas
Side note: They both seem evenly enough matched. Piranhas are small and have red bellies; Caveman is big and carries a wooden club. Alright, I lied … Piranhas have 73.9 to 1 odds against Mr. Caveman – Place your bets now.
Winner: Caveman. Now is when you give me your money – all seventy-three dollars and nine cents of it. There’s no need for any type of an explanation as to why. Stop asking. Alright, OK. Here it is: Caveman is doing caveman like stuff bouncing around the forest, when BAM he falls face first into a ravenous shoal of super-intelligent piranhas. The piranhas then form a complicated system of levers and pulleys to try and save the caveman. As it turns out they don’t believe in slaughtering inferior defenseless animals. Once Caveman is helped out of the water he tries to make his friends think that he defeated them on his own. So he throws his club back in and destroys the piranha’s contraption killing three of the noble and wise leaders. (Is anyone still reading this?)
Then Nicodemus, the main piranha jumps out of the pond with a gill-to-air breathing apparatus he designed. While Caveman is walking away he hears this and spins around. Caveman first tries to apologize, then bargain, then plea. Nicodemus is distracted by this and the other caveman draw and quarter him. Later … Caveman’s insecticides leak into the piranha’s pond and slowly kill them over multiple generations. – You asked.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Twisted Sister vs. Tron
Yea, the idea of Twisted Sister versus Tron just seems funny too me. But… shut your pie hole and straiten up, you sorry sack of manure. The eighties was not a good time in history; nothing really good came out of it, except for cocaine (wait that was from the 70s) ugly-ass pastel colors and goofy big haircuts with gold chains and leisure suits that had the sleeves pulled up.
Digi stats minus the coke:
- American heavy metal music group specializing in the theatrical shock metal
- Famous for their extravagant makeup, shock tactics, rebellious ideas, and their use of chains, leather, and long permed blond hair.
- Created melodic distorted guitar and chorus-laden singles
- Embodied everything '80s metal
- You definitely listened to them and probably liked them around 1988
- A “program” that is bent on destruction
- A proficient light cycler
- Helps Jeff Bridges get out of a psychedelic horrible computer world, and cool neon lights giant upside-down bracket robot space ship
- Had a son name Jet
- Has another movie due out in the January of this year
Side note: How in the hell am I going to say anything on this blog about this time in history? Are we living in the tens? I guess “the turn of the century” seem appropriate. Still it doesn’t have the same appeal as the “Roaring twenties” or the “free loving sixties”.
Winner: Tron. Electrons do not produce heavy metal. Uhhh, come on now, the Sisters are cool but not “Tron cool”. Not “Captain Kirk cool”. Not: “Flight of the Navigator cool”. (Damn, I would like to see that movie again) But Tron lives inside of my mother board, Twisted Sister on the other hand, lives inside the synapsis of my brain. Unfortunately: Yakuza, the Chinese mafia, had their hand in the outcome of this fight. My pinky finger is at stake here. - Holy shit, this blog has gotten way too abstract. God bless the internet and my neurotic, impulsive ability to post what ever the hell I fell like.
Friday, March 25, 2005
Julius Cesar vs. Tony Blair
First of if you don’t know who Tony Blair is; he’s not in any way affiliated with the “Blair Witch Project”. Cesar was a good guy, despite the orgies, and crappy pizza. Also British parliament is insane. If you have never witnessed a British parliamentary session you are missing out. I’ll break it down for you: about 200 British guys sitting on opposite sides of an auditorium are all yelling some sort of English explicites at one person, usually Mr. Tony Blair. I think congress could learn a thing or two about these crazy English policies.
Your stats, shaken and most definitely stirred:
- The first Roman emperor and referred to as Father of the Country
- Built numerous constructions of a great importance
- A leader of a great talent, energy and skills
- Has been elected a high priest and opposed the death penalty
- Captured, looted, pillaged, and plundered numerous towns in Portugal in the name of the Roman Empire
- Current title: Prime Minister of the United Kingdom
- Elected in a landslide majority in the 2001
- A bass guitarist and lead singer for a rock band called Ugly Rumors
- Is tough on national security and is a great public speaker
- A modernizing, pragmatic social democrat
Winner: Tony Blair. Whats all this about then Govna’? Cherrio then… Sure Cesar was a great leader and decided the fate of Rome in 70 B.C. (those were the good days, weren’t they) but Tony Blair is a seriously, hard core, bad ass. – also, don’t hate on me England, your guy won.
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Mr. Monk vs. The Soup Nazi
Neuroticism at its best. How do these two end up meeting? Monk (no not your Buddhist type monk) is assigned a murder case involving a short order cook employee who went ballistic on a customer. Can you guess who? Yes, you did guess right: it’s that fat, grungy, foul smelling guy with nasty long-ass fingernails that hasn’t bathed since Jordan played for the Chicago Bulls, and he works at McDonalds. … Oh yea, back to The Soup Nazi - he just happens to have a store that is on the next block over from that McDonalds, and Monk decides to go inside for some soup. I forgot to mention Monk has been transformed into a 50 foot ape-monster and Soup Nazi was mutated by atomic radiation into a huge dinosaur-like creature with a hatred for Tokyo and its people.
Your very own personal atomic neurostats:
- Once a member of the San Francisco Police Department
- Severely suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder (could you please arrange your #2 pencils from least amount of eraser to most amount of eraser)
- Plagued by various phobias including: germs, heights, crowds, and milk ( - I’m kind of scared of milk myself)
- He is an extremely intelligent private consultant with an unorthodox approach to crime
- A gigantic, primitive, angry, demonic, primordial ape with a violent sexual desire and a love for climbing tall buildings (I also love whiskey)
- An insatiably love for organization and order that borders on a pathological and irrational obsession for his store and all people ordering soup
- Hates any customers with any type of enthusiasm or emotion (I definitely work with this guy)
- Resides at Soup Kitchen International located at 7th Ave. and West 53rd st according to this link
- Also has an incredible strength and a destructive fire/atomic blast
- Likes to visit Japan and it inhabitants on a regular basis to destroy everything in it's sight
- A cross between a stegosaurus, a tyrannosaurus rex, and a short order cook that was frozen for millions of years until awakened by atomic testing
- Arch enemy: Mothra, Seinfeld, and Tokyo
Side note: This one time at Band Camp, Wolf-Man Jack says “stay in school kids”
Winner: Monk Kong. Yea that’s right I said it … what of it? Oh, you want to know why. Ok, Monk walks into the Soup Kitchen International and inevitably see something wrong with the picture – too much soup in the ladles. He immediately points this out to Mr. Soup Nazi who transforms into Soup Nazi-zilla because he did not place his money on the counter and move to his left. (Sure, I’m f*cked-up in the cabeza but I also have internet access). Monk then proceeds to summon Monk Kong the raging gorilla beast. After a fierce battle, large buildings are in ruble, toxic chemical fires are rampat, and mass pandemonium breaks out on 7th Avenue. Monk Kong then rips out Soup Nazi-zilla's heart and eats it after a blood-curdling cry.
-check out this guys page: Duck Power, he recommended this fight and he’s pretty random too - all hail randomness.
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
The Ninja Turtles vs. their Ancient Counterparts as U.S. Navy Seals
Get yer versus fix on. Who knows? Maybe Peter Laird and Kevin Eastman of Mirage comics wanted to educate people reading their comics by naming the four protagonists after celebrities of the Renaissance. Or maybe they were both art aficionados of 15th century talent. What ever the case may be … just what if, some how, in some way these 4 artists trained in underwater demolitions and amphibious combat came into contact with their ninja weapon wielding, totally crude attitude counterparts. This is like four separate battles all taking place straddling two very separate centuries involving two equally different cultures.
Donatello the Turtle vs. Donatello the Sculptor:
- Weapon: Bo Staff
- Likes classical music, mathematics, inventing, and generally telling the other Turtles to calm the hell down
- Pretty much the dork of the Turtles
- One of the hardest working artist of all time
- Has a thorough knowledge of human anatomy
- Can sculpt with wood, marble, bronze and other material
- A Master of maritime Special Operations
Leonardo the Turtle vs. Leonardo da Vinci
- Weapon: Katanas
- Apparently has no time for hobbies but does like candles (scented?)
- The turtle that is most in touch with his feminine side
- Trains diligently in Ninjitsu
Leonardo da Vinci:
- Italian painter, draftsman, sculptor, architect, and engineer – a fairly well rounded guy
- Unrivalled quality and attention to detail that few artists could come close too
- Painted a little something called the Mona Lisa
- Expert in utilizing combinations of specialized training, equipment, and tactics
Michelangelo the Turtle vs. Michelangelo Buonarroti:
- Weapon: Nunchakus
- Likes skating, surfing, pizza, video games (… and I’m going to have to say smoking the refer)
- The turtle that’s says gimme’ a break, and throws the pizza at the camera, in the old series
- A Party Dude and definitely the coolest turtle
- Acknowledged as a supreme artist
- Was a muscular, dexterous, and fairly big guy
- The greatest marble sculptors of all time
- Has extreme tactical force and strategic impact
Raphael the Turtle vs. Raphael Sanzio:
- Weapon: Sai
- Sports enthusiast and likes to eat cereal
- The anti-social Goth guy of the Turtles
- A master painter and architect
- Suggestive and easily influenced
- Painted Madonna with Christ and St. John the Baptist
- An expert in unconventional warfare, direct action, terrorism combat, and special reconnaissance
Side note: Krang vs. M.C. Escher. Krang was that brain thing on the ninja turtles that lived inside of that robot guy. He lives in dimension x, was a warlord, and doesn’t believe in any taxes what so ever. Escher was a conceptual graphic artist that was fascinated with abstract patterns and symmetrical impossibilities. Who win this? Well that’s not the fight.
Winner: The Turtles Counterparts. So maybe Navy Seals was a little to much of a handicap. What ever; I still stand by the judges rulings. These were the most creative artists of the 14th and 15th century, and when they also have the skills of trained killers, mutant reptilians that know martial arts just don’t seem like the same type of threat that they are to Shredder even if they were trained by a rat.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
MacGyver vs. the Back Street Boys
Flippin sweet. The master of ingenuous ingenuity fights a bunch of pretty boy, wanna-be rock stars. What is the outcome – its anybody’s guess. Is MacGyver going to make a bomb out of a pack of gum and a box of trojans? Are the Back Street Boys going to kick ass with high pitch winning and fun loving, easy going, Kenny-G type ninjitsu?
Here’s yer sign.
- A clever and rugged hero adored by women and praised by men
- Can solve just about any problem
- Prefers paper clips and candy bars over AKs and Tech-9s
- A former special forces agent
- Uses his wits and science to foil all that oppose him
- Currently employed at Phoenix Foundation
- Has the ability to slip past the enemy's defenses and undermined their devious plans
- Has a nack for solving problems just in the nick of time
- Boss: Peter Thornton
- Archenemy: Murdoc
The Back Street Boys:
- Slightly homosexual
- Archenemy: Anyone with any since of tast, and people over the age of 15
- Consist of: Nick Carter, Howie Dorough, Brian Littrell, A.J. McLean and Kevin Richardson
- Hits song: Quit Playing Games (With My Heart), and As Long As You Love Me
- Aka the B Boys (who calls them that? – beside their moms)
- Have done church choirs and did a lot of family harmonizing growing up in Kentucky – NICE
- Would like to make a reality series about being pop-stars
- Formed in 1995
- They are (take notes): a certified ball room dace instructor (gay), one likes Safari by Ralph Lauren the cologne(gay), loves sneakers and gold jewelry(gay), and according to one of them he is "likely to invite you for a moonlight walk along the beach"(really gay).
Side note: Let’s not kid our selves, we all know who is going to win this, and if you disagree then go ahead and comment – but, be warned you will probably disagree.
Winner: MacGyver. NO not the Kool-aid man, he wasn’t even involved in this fight. Heres how it went: the five Backstreet boys tried to “serve” MacGyver with a head spin glide with a flare. However MacGyver anticipates this and reacts with a nuclear anti matter reactor built with a rock, a homeless person, a piece of cardboard, and a rusted shopping cart. The B Boy counter with a forward hand spring to an airbaby backslide but slip and fall into a vat of nitroglycerin. They then turn into liquid metal and are kicked by Mac into another vat of molten lead. The End.
Special thanx to all that contributed ideas.
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Six foot Emperor Penguin vs. Level 75 Paladin
Sure everybody knows that Emperor penguins only grow up to 3.6 feet tall, and that a level 75 Paladin is absurd and completely fictional but this fight takes place in someone’s head. What exactly is a paladin, I’m not to sure. Can a penguin wrestle him into submission? Well, I plan to find out.
Six foot Emperor Penguin:
- spend entire lives in Antarctic
- Can dive to 1700 feet and stay submerged up to 22 min
- Can survive -80 F and 110 mph winds
- Weighs about 188 lbs
- Instead of contracting Mesothelioma, or Berylliosis, he unexplainably mutated to six feet after contact with toxic waste from the TGRI (Techno Global Research Institute)
Level 75 Paladin:
- Has a sword-of-something, preferably something elemental, dragon, or middle earth related
- Main job is to defeat undead enemies
- Can absorb a high amount of hits
- Can only cast mainly defensive spells
- Specializes in close-range combat
- Even though it’s denied, obviously the Paladin uses some sort of mana
Side note on mana: Just what in the hell is mana anyway? Why does every freakin game that has some thing to do with spells also has mana. If I ate three boxes of crispy cream donuts would I get a mana + 5 advancement rate. Would I then be able to wield the sword of dragons fire mana and wear level 43 dwarf wizard gold armor? Then do I lose some mana if I take a shit? Here is another mana related link
Winner: Penguin. Mr. Paladin first sees Penguin in a drunken hallucination - It's too damn hot for a penguin to be just walkin' around. I gotta send you back to the South Pole! Unfortunately he’s all out of freakin mana and really he can only cast a defensive spell if he had some. On the other hand Penguin can survive about 1700 feet of water pressure, and doesn’t give a damn about mana.
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
Dr. Pepper vs. Dr. Kevorkian
One helps you kill your self; the other tastes pretty damn good – especially with Bacardi 151. They may have different PhDs in separate fields; but, seeing two doctors fight to the death is always engaging and somewhat educational. Theses two are to doctors, what paper and rock are to paper, rock and scissors (pretty much the best analogy ever). For example: it’s a proven fact that Dr. Dre, Doc Holliday, Dr. Laura, Dr. Seuss, and Dr. Livingstone, all have studied under at least one of them at some point in time.
Your stats, I presume:
- Apparently able to make the World Taste Better
- Full name Dr. Charles “Pepper”
- Supports educational scholarships and creates community outreach programs
- Referred to as the King of Beverages in 1910 (preMountain Dew era)
- Originally made in Waco, Texas in Morrison’s Old Corner Drug Store
- Born in 1885
- Original called Waco shooters
- Original recipe contained 100% uncut, good old American pure cane sugar – the good stuff
- Got about 20 million people hooked at the world fair in 1904
- Oldest major manufacturer of soft drink concentrates and syrups in the United States
- A notorious general practitioner with a dubious distinction who believes in the "right to die"
- Responsible for the suicides of over 100 people
- Currently resides in a prison in Michigan
- Born in 1928 in Pontiac, Michigan
- Affectionately referred to as “Doctor Death”
- Been employed as chief pathologist at Saratoga General Hospital in Detroit – just like Eminem
- Published in Medicine and Law, and The American Journal of Clinical Pathology
Winner: Dr. Pepper. Jack Kevorkian starts off tying to hook Dr. Pepper up to his death machine with the promise of making his beverage outsell Coca-Cola. Foolishly Dr. Pepper accepts this until the machine crashes into the dreaded Windows: blue screen of death because he was trying to use iTunes in the background. Pepper then realizes what’s happening and rips the machine out of the wall socket. Kevorkian then explains that Dr. Peeper has made a powerfully enemy today and attempts a deadly suicide kick to the temple. Dr. Pepper easily dodges it, then “assists” Dr. Kevorkian into a flaming pit of piranhas and ninja stars … the end. – Sorry my ADD just kicked in. Blog at-cha.
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
Osama Bin Laden vs. Saddam Hussein
Special news announcement: CIA, FBI, DOD, IRS – they both owe back taxes, FDA – maybe not so much them, but all the other various government agency acronyms have come up with a half-baked harebrain scheme to pit Hussein versus Bin Laden on the island of Alcatraz. This is going to be a terrorist leader extraordinaire on the most notorious prison in American history.
Osama Bin Laden:
- Lives holed up in a mud hut in Pakistan’s treacherous border
- Entourage – about 3,000 Islamic militants followers and less than 20 close fanatical guards that know his location and, they would all die before they give him up (or accept 20 American dollars, a Maxim magazine, and a six pack of Budwiser)
- Other associates : Ayman al-Zawahiri, Muhammed Atef, Michael Moore
- Likes to use encrypted floppy disks to talk to his people - sneaker-net style
- Has people in 60 countries and 37 thousand Starbuck world wide
- Used to have about $300 million dollars (Coincidently the same estimate as the Olson Twins)
- Future plans: assassinate officials using poison, try to get chemical, biological, radioactive, and pornographic material
- He has an enlarged heart (because he loves so much), chronically low blood pressure, missing toes on one foot (lost in an auto-erotic asphyxiation accident), dependent on kidney dialysis, and is a hypochondriac – stop faking
- Has taken aid and training from the CIA to fight the Soviet Union
- Born: July 30, 1957 and has 20 brothers (Holy shit)
- Has a degree in public administration
- Likes to masturbate in apple pie
- Spent $8 billion on nuclear weapons and came away with absolutely nothing
- Likes political repression, human rights violations, torture, assassination, and long walks on the beach
- Born: April 28, 1937 and raised in the farming village of Tikrit
- Got his own and his son’s asses kicked by about 250,000 U.S. and 45,000 British soldiers
- Captured in December 2003
- Entourage – Abdul Tawab Mullah Huwaysh and Taha Muhy-ud-Din Maruf, and two very dead sons Uday and Qusay
- Joined the Ba'ath Socialist party in 1957
- Went to jail back in 1963 for a few years and then escaped
- Sure was fond of chemical and biological weapons, and “I'd Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)” by Meatloaf back in 1993
- Was all about the U.N. oil-for-food program and the billions he got from it.
- Led a war against Iran
- About 100 billion dollars in debt after the Iran-Iraq war
- Molests little boys who have cancer at his ranch in California
Winner: What are you kidding me? Both these guys suck. When we’ve got them both on Alcatraz we just shoot a cruise missile right into the middle of the island and put them both out of their misery. Controversial? – Probably. Truthful? – Definitely.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Red Power Ranger vs. Borg assimilated Captain Picard
You might be asking your self why the Red one? Well because Kat the Pink ranger just isn’t quite as formidable. But to even up the odds Jean-Luc has all the added perks of everyone’s favorite Star Trek villains.
Here is some statistical information:
Red Power Ranger:
- Weapons: Power Sword, Blade Blaster, Dragon Dagger
- Other gear: Wrist Communicator, Power Morpher with Power Coin, Dragon Shield
- Zords (WTF ???): Tyrannosaurus Dinozord, Dragonzord, Red Dragon Thunderzord
- Tough and courageous with enhanced strength, speed, and durability
- Original leader of the Power Rangers
- Tactical knowledge and fighting skill make him the ultimate Ranger
Borg Captain Picard:
- Cybernetic life-form thousands of years old
- Part organic, part artificial life
- Accomplished diplomat and tactician
- Implanted with bio-chip that link his brain to a collective consciousness
- Fond of assimilation and explaining that resistance is futile
Winner: Red Power Ranger. Since both the Rangers and the Borg are accustom to fighting in groups they are both at a slight disadvantage. As it turns out a Power Ranger Zord is like a cheap knock-off of a transformer. I guess that gives him some sort of benefit. The Borg pretty much relies on strength in numbers so just old Picard with out all his homeboys leaves him defenseless and exposed.
Saturday, March 12, 2005
Genetically enhanced cybernetic Mary Poppins vs. Hell’s Angels Gang with Giant squid as boss
That was a mouthful; … and slightly insane?? Anyways, Mary Poppins was created in the future by the last surviving rebel humans to rid the world of bratty English children, who love chocolate. Along the way she encounters a bloodthirsty gang of murderous bikers led by an infamous Giant squid. To make a long story short she must fight them or else all humanity as we know it will go down in a gloriously devastating mushroom cloud in the year 2029.
Genetically enhanced cybernetic Marry Poppins:
- Vain, domineering, strange, mysterious, and a relentless killer … oh, and she English
- A powerful machine of an extremely durable construction that can sustain a considerable amount of damage
- Can wander into paintings and travel the world with a magic compass
- She can't be bargained or reasoned with. She feels no pity, or remorse, or fear. And she absolutely will not stop, ever, until she has achieved mission objective.
- Ability to fly with or without umbrella
- Zoo animals celebrate her birthday
- A full barrage of gun fire does not affect her
- Can induces a type of hallucinatory aesthetic mainly in children
- Partial to sugar and medicine and can turn chores into pleasure
- Wins infatuated devotion from all subordinates
- Created by a artificial intelligence called Nannynet
- Has modish philosophies for child raising
- Primarily composed of living tissue over an android skeleton
- Indistinguishable from an organic being
- Resides at Number Seventeen Cherry-Tree Lane, London
Hell’s Angels Gang with Giant squid boss:
- Source of the majority of outlaw biker counterculture
- Associated with gang rape, white supremacy, and murder.
- Responsible for $1 billion a year worldwide from drug trafficking
- Caused more than 100 deaths including 84 bombings, 130 reported cases of arson, and 9 missing persons
- has 2,000 members and prospects
- 189 chapters in 22 countries around the world
- Hired as crowd security for $500 worth of beer (that’s a shit load of Corona) then killed someone
- have a hierarchical structure including Mr. Giant Squid who flaunts his power to attract recruits and draw them into crime
- It’s also difficult for law enforcement to infiltrate the Angels because becoming a member requires committing crimes.
- Almost killed Hunter S. Thompson
- Leader lives in most of the world's oceans and is among the biggest animals in the sea
- The leader is rarely seen and hunts smaller sea creatures. Including whales
- Can survive cannon, musket, and harpoon attacks
- Has a long, torpedo shaped body that is carnivorous mollusks
- Moves with a jet of water forced out of the body by a siphon
- Average length 20 feet with 30 feet tentacles
- Has attacked the Norwegian Naval tanker: the Brunswick, in 1930.
Winner: The Hell’s Angels. - I’m pretty sure you want to know how the downfall of humanity as we know it will occur. Good thing this blog is here to tell you. Marry Poppins first assumes the role of a regular Cybernetic Nanny but then she discovers a gang of hoodlums. She promptly teaches them how to clean their room but all of a sudden Mr. Architeuthis (giant squid) decided to make an appearance. At this point Poppins cybernetic circuits overload due to the fact that she is only adapt to deal with human interaction. The squid then places a large tentacle over her head and proceeds to suck her brains out. The end; Game over man; we’re all going to die… Giant Squid and accomplices win; all humans die. Well at least now all of you know the sad, sad truth about the future of humanity. - Don’t hate the player, hate the game; and the blog he posts on.
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Agent Smith vs. Elrond (Lord of the Rings)
Ok here’s another one by special request. I will admit that I really had no clue who the hell Elrond was until a little research showed that he is in fact the Elven version of Agent Smith – I guess I must have been living under a rock or something. Hugo Weaving is the man and he must fight himself to determine who the winner is: The Elf or the Agent.
Let’s take a look at the stats:
- Elven lord of Rivendell
- Wisest and most powerful Elves in Middle
- Member of the White Council (not White Castle …mmm small greasy, burgers)
- Born Around 532 of the First Age left Middle Earth September 29, 3021 of the Third Age
- Residence: Last Homely House in Rivendell
- Immediate family: Parents Earendil & Elwing, Twin Brother Elros, Wife Celebrian, Children Elladan Elrohir and Arwen
- Help to preserve Elven customs and traditions
- Astute commander on the battlefield
- Strong and powerful, and he was also kind
- Elrond means vault of stars
- Is immortal
- A pitiless, single-minded, focused, conformist
- He is predictable, unemotional, inhumane, and represents complete control and absolutely no power of choice.(Like my boss)
- Superhuman strength
- Ability to flawlessly dodge incoming bullets - in slow motion while only moving his upper body
- The agents us names like Smith to blend into society
- Originally programmed to keep order within the system by terminating troublesome programs
- Can take over any human in the Matrix
- Hates all humans and thinks we are viruses
Winner: Smith. So the first point that I am sure all Lord Of the Rings aficionados are going to point out is that Elrond is immortal. But when he gets on that little boat and sails to were ever they go, that’s almost like dieing. Plus I’m not really sure if Elrond is magical or something, but Smith is some kind of psychotic robot program. If Elves shoot arrows and Agent Smith can dodge bullets theres pretty much no contest there.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
A-Team vs. Wu-Tang Clan
Four on nine may not seem like the best odds, but the A-Team’s answer to Ol’ Dirty Bastard is Mr. T. Both are partial to automatic weapons, have been to prison, and have a certain reputation to uphold. The A-Team only had few cornball colonels and generals to fight; on the other hand Wu-Tang has always had “the Man” trying to keep them down.
- Consists of: Hannibal Smith, Templeton Faceman Peck, H.M. Murdock, B.A. Baracus a.k.a. Mr. T
- Was in the Vietnam War
- Has escaped from a maximum security prison
- Their alter egos : conman, ace pilot that lived in a mental hospital, and mechanic
- Originated in 1983
- Once considered to be the most violent TV-show on the air
- Awards received : Emmy Nomination, People's Choice Awards, 2 Stuntman Awards, MPSE Award
- Specially trained in guerilla warfare, commando tactics, and counterinsurgency
- Drives a super cool A-Team GMC Van
- Favorite weapons: Ruger AC556, Smith and Wesson Model 637, and whatever handguns are available at the time
- Injuries sustained: Shot, poisoned, broken ribs, blinded, nail in foot, and radiation exposure
- Originated in1993
- Staten Island’s Wu-warriors
- Consists of: Prince (The RZA) Rakeem, Raekwon, Ol’ Dirty Bastard, Method Man, GhostFace Killah, Genius (GZA), U-God, Master Killa, and Inspectah Deck
- Endured crime, drugs, violence, hustling and poverty
- Avid chess players and readers of Suntzu: Arts of War
- Eternally elevating the urban art-form
- Produced five platinum or gold albums
- Markets Wu-Wear brand clothing
"In 1972 a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team."
Winner: A-Team. Their theme song and monologue pretty much seals the deal, but let’s take a look at some other points. The A-Team are experts in counterinsurgency, and guerilla warfare … Wu-Tang has a guy named Inspectah Deck. The A-Team are trained killers, the Wu-Tang Clan just raps about being trained killers. Although I always did like Wu-Tang’s 36 Chambers album they really can’t handle the A-Team.
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Captain Morgan vs. Captain Crunch
Arrr, you ready for this one. Avast ye scurvy swine, this be goin' t' be a good fight. These two salty dogs be comin’ together for this skirmish. Tis a real treat for us landlubbers to see this one and I ant’ hornswagglin ya either.
Heres yer stats, swabs:
- Full name: Captain Henry Morgan
- One of the 17th Century's most daring and successful buccaneers
- Admired throughout Caribbean waters
- Born in Wales in 1635
- His adventures were legendary
- One of Britain's most successful military strategists and an inspirational leader
- Gained the loyalty of unruly buccaneers who followed him without question, and won the respect of nobles and heads of state.
- Tastes really good mixed with Coke
- Archenemies : Jean LaFoote the Barefoot Pirate and the Soggies; Sylvester, Snyder, and Squish (aka the Sogmaster), also work as quality control testers at the AFCO Sponge Company
- Once promoted to admiral but didn’t like all the paperwork so he requested to be demoted
- Been in an unfortunate mishap with the Crunch Berries and the Crunch Biscuit machine
- Born sometime in 1963 on Crunch Island
- Son of Admiral Horatio Crunch, Sr.
- Sailed on the ship S.S. Guppy
- Side kick: first mate, Seadog
- Has been to Volcanica (at the center of the Earth) to save the Earth's supply of Crunchium
- Doesn’t tastes so good mixed with Coke
Winner: Captain Morgan; Was this really even a doubt in anybody’s mind? Ok, yes Captain Crunch did go to Volcanica and yes he has single-handedly defeated Jean LaFoote and he has even outranked Captain Morgan at one time. The fact of the mater is Crunch can’t handle the Morgan, sure he may be a badass on Crunch Island and the Soggies fear him, but this is the real world baby and swashbuckling and milk just doesn’t mix.
Monday, March 07, 2005
Sorority Girl vs. Sasquatch
It’s time to get back to the randomness. Sorority Girl and Sasquatch have shared a common living space for centuries. It was really only a matter of time before these two came together for this fantastic spectacle of lip gloss and mangy smelly hair. I know I personally am psyched to see this one go down.
Let take a look at our stats:
- Humanlike creature said to live in the Pacific Northwest
- Hundreds of people have reported seeing the Bigfoot or its footprints
- 7 to 10 feet tall and weighing more than 500 pounds
- Thick fur, long arms, powerful shoulders, and a short neck – just like your mom
- A.K.A. : Bigfoot, Abominable Snowman, Yeti
- Sasquatch in Indian means "hairy man"
- Has an odor similar to musk
- Part of the Gigantopithecus genus
- A semi-nomadic species that survives in vast remote forests
- Neurotically makes Greek lettered shirts for no reason
- Arch enemy: freshman girls
- Similar to a camel (there isn’t a “toe” after that”)... eating isn't necessarily a daily activity
- More concerned with reputation than all other personality traits
- Pays outrageous dues for sorority membership
- Glitter applied in half pound increments
- Constantly screaming sorority's irritating cheers
- Assumes birth control pills make her immune to STDs
Winner: Sasquatch. First off, I love sorority girls as much as the next guy. This isn’t about that, it’s about who wins in a fight. So here’s how it plays out: Sasquatch and his Sasquatchian frat bro’s decide to crash this sorority party. They show up slightly intoxicated and start making trouble. The battle last for hours, the brutality: horrendous, the death toll: immeasurable. At some point during the confrontation the head Sorority Girl finally decides to “bring it”. Sasquatch spots his chance to finally confront the leader who has oppressed his tribe for long enough. He unsheathes his saber and sprints towards her and lands a clean strike just below her jugular. Immediately afterwards all the other sorority sisters turn to dust. Long Live Sasquatch.
Saturday, March 05, 2005
Homer Simpson vs. Peter Griffin
You wanted it, so here it is. Calculating, diabolical, devious: these are three words that just about anybody would use to describe these two - if you were born and raised on the Tristan da Cunha islands . Both are unintelligent, lumbering, awkward providers for their family but means well. However for some unbeknownst reason they have crossed paths. Possibly Matt Groening and Seth MacFarlane have done some sort of a conglomerate episode. What ever it is this event will surely go down in history.
Here’s your stats:
- Estimated to be between 36 and 39 years old
- Lives at 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield with Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie
- Favorite activities: heavy drinking (Duff Beer) and television
- Has attended a mandatory Family Skills courses
- Has fought and won: a rabid badger, robots, and venomous snakes. All due to his brain being cushioned by a unique and eponymous genetic condition
- Very suggestible when deprived of sleep
- Ach enemies: Ned Flanders, Frank "Grimey" Grimes, Patty and Selma Bouvier, C. Montgomery Burns, President George Bush, the city of New York, and the State of Florida – to name a few
- Aliases: Max Power, Homer Thompson, Homey, Mr. Plow, Colonel Homer, Mr. Sparkle, Hungry Hungry Homer, the Brick Hit House, and Nature's Cruelest Mistake.
- Lives on Spooner Street in Quahog Rhode Island with Lois, Meg, Chris, Stewie, and dog Brian.
- Been employed as production line worker, fisherman, jouster, Sheriff, and folk singer
- Favorite activities heavy drinking and television (coincidence? – I think not, all great minds enjoy similar activities)
- Has an African American ancestor named Nate
- Is extremely jealous of any ex-boyfriend of Lois except members from the band Kiss
- Slightly more obese than Homer
Side note here, this apparently has been a fairly heated debate for some time now.
I refer you to these other sites because all of them fail to comprehensively assess the greater points of each character in detail enough to determine a clear winner. Also I feel I must point out that Homer needs a handicap due to the fact that the Simpsons has run for more than 15 seasons while Family Guy has only run for 3.
Winner: Peter Griffin. Yes Homer Simpson was the reigning king of sitcom parental figures … until the Griffins were unleashed to the world on January 31, 1999. Now this is going to sound blasphemous but Peter is the concentrated essence of Homer. He is not only more idiotic, but fatter, a worse parent, drinks more beer, and watches more TV. Although, he couldn’t have become half the father he is today with out Homer every apprentice will eventually beat their mentor.
Friday, March 04, 2005
Conan O’Brien vs. Conan the Barbarian
It’s no doubt they share the same name and both are at the prime of their career. Mr. Barbarian is perhaps the best warrior the world as ever seen and Mr. O’Brien is the undisputed king of late night shows. Both have a superior intellect but only one of them is really funny – you decide.
Conan the Barbarian
- Child sold into slavery who grows into a man who seeks revenge against the warlord who massacred his tribe
- Massive, grim, unfriendly and has a dark, dismal outlook on life
- Hails from the distant northland of Cimmeria
- Likes good food, strong drink, and willing wenches
- Master of many forms of combat
- Unparalleled sword ability
- Tremendous physical strength
- Sharp wit and a keen intellect
- Quick to anger and heedless of authority
- Strict moral code and sense of ethics
- Referred to as the most cunning talk show around
- Modest, wry, self-effacing and demonstrably the most intelligent of the late-night comics
- Supervising producer of The Simpsons
- Was on Adam Sandler's first CD.
- Writer for Saturday Night Live
- Side kicks : Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, Pimpbot 5000, and The Masturbating Bear
Winner: Conan O’Brien. The Barbarian almost won it though. Good thing Pimpbot 5000 made a cameo appearance and bitch slapped the Barbarian into compliance.
Wednesday, March 02, 2005
Gandhi vs. Mother Teresa
Why would theses two peaceful prophets fight? - You might ask. The answer is simple: too determine who the world’s most nonviolent person is. Now to kick it up notch; Gandhi has a chainsaw for a hand and Mother Teresa has pretty sweat skills with a bow staff. Also they both have the ability to shoot huge crazy fireballs, think Dragonball Z. ‘Nuff said, on to the fight.
- Born in Porbandar, India on October 2, 1869 Died January 30, 1948
- Studied law in London
- Chainsaw : Husqvarna 3120XP Chainsaw w/ 36" Bar, Engine speed 12000 rpm of peace kicking ass
- Follower of Satyagraha, a nonviolence philosophy
- Helped India gain independence from the British
- Worked as a lawyer in South Africa: Mahatma Gandhi Attorney at Law
- Fire ball: Kamehameha - devastating energy attack launched with both hands from his side
- Never awarded the Nobel Peace Prize
- Born August 27, 1910 in Skopje Died on September 5, 1997
- Founded the Nirmal Hriday Home for the Dying
- Work has been recognized and acclaimed throughout the world
- Other skills: Numbchuk skills, bow hunting skills, computer hacking skills…
- Received Pope John XXIII Peace Prize, the Nehru Prize, Balzan Prize, and the Templeton and Magsaysay awards.
- Fire ball: Special Beam Cannon – Releases focused curly-cue like ray of energy
Winner: Mother Teresa. After a long and strenuous battle the victor has emerged. Gandhi started of the bout with a chainsaw wielding uppercut but was thrown to the ground from a bow staff strike to the knee. Teresa then attacked with a flying jump kick to the groin which Gandhi countered by landing a fire ball energy attack. Mother Teresa was then thrown through a large pane of glass and a brick wall. She then jumps up and dusts her self off and runs at Gandhi wildly yelling. Just as she is about to invoke Special Beam Cannon Gandhi initializes Satyagraha protection shield. Gandhi then trips on a rock and dies. Now I’m going to hell for this.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
Count Chocula vs. Count von Count from Sesame Street
Beneath their enthusiasm and aristocratic charm, both of these counts possess a dark and evil soul which can only reign supreme if the other is slain. They have known since the dawn of time that this day would come. Chocula and Count von Count come together in this epic battle of vampires.
How they stack up:
- No other breakfast cereal character rivals the charisma of Count Chocula
- Has one single solitary fang in the center of his mouth
- Single-handedly tries to peddle his chocolately spooky-fun cereal to the world
- Undead since 1971
- Frightened of rodents and small children
- Survives on the blood of fellow cereal monsters
- Side kick: Spooky marshmallow ghosts
Count von Count
- Obsessive compulsive addiction to counting (arithomania), and then uncontrollably laughing afterwards
- Will count anything regardless of size, amount, or how much annoyance he is causing
- Sidekick: Muppet bats and cat
- Possible relation to Bela Lugosi
- Able to survive daylight
- Female companion : Countess Dahling Von Dahling
- Undead since 1972
- Caused sheep to strike because of excessive counting
- Mexican count name : El Conde Contar
- Survives on the blood of fellow Muppets
This fight takes place on the mean streets of Sesame with crack addicted irritable bums that live in trashcans and enormous mutant yellow sub human birds. Since both vampires are potentially immortal and each have their own respective vice: chocolate and counting, this has the potential to be gruesome.
Winner: Count von Count. Chocula really jumps into this fight “fang” first and doesn’t adequately prepare for the fanatical mind of the Count von Count. First off, Von Count has a small colony of rabid bats that can do his evil bidding. Second, and more importantly, this fight takes place on Von Count’s home turf, which he will defend at all costs. The final “nail in the coffin”, so to speak, is his sexy seductress: Countess Dahling von Dahling. She fatally lures Count Chocula into a theobromine (no not a threesome, it’s the primary psychoactive components of chocolate) overdose; he is immediately rushed to a local hospital but is later pronounce dead. Just to be sure though, the doctor rams one, ah…ah...ah… spooky-fun chocolate and marshmallow steak through his heart and puts him “down for the count” – sorry I couldn’t help it.