Monday, February 28, 2005
Robot from lost in space vs. Mars Rover
Battle Bots from hell… in space… on steroids. These two robots have different agendas, different technologies, and different backgrounds but they do share one common purpose: Total annihilation of all opposing robots.
- Cost: Approximately $410 million total
- 384 pounds
- Generate power with their solar panels
- Take color, stereoscopic images with high-resolution cameras
- Six wheels, with a motor in each wheel
- Have Rock Abrasion Tool a.k.a. robot destructor device
- Alpha-particle X-ray gun
- Max speed 100 feet per hour
- Brain runs at only 20 megahertz, and hase less that 1 megabyte of ram but runs on ultra-reliable VxWorks – not XP
- Cost $75,000
- 200 pounds
- Chest lights and motorized feelers were powered by an electrical cord
- Primary Directives: Preserve Robinson family, Monitor Planetary environment, Give sufficient warning if danger is imminent; especially to Will Robinson
- 7 feet tall
- Currently acting as a commercial spokesman for Altoids Mints
- Intelligent metal version of the dog "Lassie"
- Brain runs on DOS
Winner: Mars Rover; Yea I know you probably disagree, but NASA said they would give me an alpha-particle X-ray gun if I promoted their Rover. Robot is outweighed by about 184 pounds and it’s about 409,925,000.00 dollars cheaper. I’m not even sure if Robot has a gun – Rover on the other hand has the devastating rock abrasion tool. Mars Rover wins with a K.O. - Will Robison is unquestionably now in danger.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Sea Biscuit vs. Mr. Ed
It’s common knowledge that Sea Biscuit could not plausibly fight Mr. Ed due to the fact that Sea Biscuit was from the 1930s and Mr. Ed was around in 1963. But, it just so happens that we have a little car called a Delorean and we crammed him in there and shot him back in time; problem solved. Now you could say that Sea Biscuit is an old fashion type horse and has a serious personality clash with Mr. Ed’s Hollywood type appeal. A few beers later they are ready to rumble.
Her are your stats:
- First victory in stakes race at age two
- A national icon during the darkest years of the Depression
- Rough-hewn, undersized, and bad knees
- Side kick : legendary half-blind jockey Red Pollard and super awesome monkey named JoJo (this is true)
- Raced in 89 races and won 33
- Arch Enemy : War Admiral: a pure evil, devious, sadistic rival racing horse
- Favorite activity : Sleep
- Born 1933 died 1947
- Capable of communicating in English with humans
- Flown an airplane, gave a birthday party, drove a delivery truck, and rode a surfboard
- Related to Francis The Talking Mule
- Side kick : An architect name Wilbur Post
- Didn’t do his own stunts
- Alias : Bamboo Harvest: a parade and show horse
- Chess Player
- Born 1951 died 1970
Mr. Ed definitely out weighs Sea Biscuit and probably has a little more dexterity considering his surfing ability. On the other hand, JoJo the monkey, Sea Biscuit’s companion could undeniably crush Wilbur Post in some kind of berserk monkey rage. Unfortunately this is only a one horse on horse fight.
Winner: Sea Biscuit; No not because his movie was inspirational or anything like that. He won because Mr. Ed is a phony. He doesn’t even do all his own stunts. And besides Bamboo Harvest sounds a little gay to me.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Sloth vs. Chewbacca
The lovable and deformed Goonie Sloth has a real fight on his hands. Chewbacca is ready to rumble. Each of these two characters communicates through an equally unintelligible dialect. Chewy might be a little more intelligent, and sure Sloth has been physically abused since he was a child but that’s not what this fight is about. It’s about honor, and integrity.
Here’s the stats:
- Superman and pirate movie enthusiast
- Side kick : Chunk, overweight, like ice-cream
- Youngest of the Fratelli brother
- Sloth a.k.a. John Matuszak, former Oakland Raider and 2 time super bowl champ
- Able to hold heavy boulders to prevent cave-ins
- Abused by mother and kept chained to the basement
- Eight foot tall
- Poor dental hygiene
- Immense, fur covered warrior of great strength and loyalty
- Wookie from Kshyyk
- A wise, sophisticated being with exceptional skills in starship piloting and repair
- Legendary temper
- 2.28 meters tall
- Has a coat of ginger-brown fur
- Weapon of choice Bowcaster
Winner: Chewbacca. Sloth really didn’t stand a chance in this one. Throughout the entire fight a constant and indecipherable shouting could be heard. Chewy really only had to lure Sloth in with a candy bar and deliver a final devastating shot with his pistol.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Columbo vs. Hello Kitty
I will admit that I don’t exactly know what in the hell Hello Kitty is or what it’s all about; But I am going to get to the bottom of this phenomenon and more importantly evaluate if the greatest detective of the modern era can kick its ass.
- Symbolizes generosity, innocence, kindness, friendship, ext.
- Lives in London, England, and in the 3rd Grade
- Travels the world making new friends
- Birth date: November 1st, 1974
- Weight: the same as 3 apples (side note – APPLES! why can’t she weigh a few ounces or 1.4 eggplants)
- Likes: small, cute things, candy, stars, goldfish, etc
- Trademark: red bow on left ear.
- Best product: Hello Kitty vibrator
- Born: September 16, 1927, New York, NY
- Appeared to have an unassuming, disorganized, and polite demeanor
- Underestimated by all criminals
- Drives old Peugeot with over 100,000 miles
- Worked in Homicide for 15 years at the Los Angeles police department
- Fought in Korea for the U.S. Army
- Wears a rumpled overcoat and smokes stubby cigars
Winner: Columbo; The Hello Kitty Vibrator does seem pretty intriguing but everything else about this curious product disturbs me for some reason. On the other hand Lieutenant Columbo is the shit.
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Olson Twins vs. Hilton Sisters
YES. You did read right. I just want to know why this fight hasn’t happened already. Well it goes with out saying that it is going to be a very public brawl and it will probably be broadcast on national television or at least pay-per-view. No other venue could possibly hold the crowds that would come to see this other than the Mandalay Bay resort and casino in Las Vegas. Also it is going to be under the Ultimate Fighting Championship rules and take place in the octagon, with a cage.
Here’s your stats:
- Earned their wealth
- Combined worth is estimated at $300 million
- Average height is 5’ ½’’
- youngest self-made millionaires in American history
- Both are 18
- own a clothing line that retails at Wal-Mart
- Publish the Mary-Kate and Ashley Magazine
- Practice Yoga
- Own the number one girls videogame franchise in the world
- Owns 32 different domain names to get to their official site
- On the Forbes list of the World's 100 most powerful celebrities
- Zero Playboy appearances or nude photo shoots - and no porn video
- Born into wealth
- Combined worth is estimated at $60 million
- Average height is 5’ 7’’
- Arch enemies : Stella & Lola Schnabel, daughters of painter Julian Schnabel
- Paris 22, Nicky 19
- well known for throwing tantrums of epic proportions
- working on owning chain of trendy up-market clothing stores
- top on the list of the young, rich and single on FHM
- Paris is a great amateur porn actress
Ok now let’s determine some the rules of this UFC style fight: No Eye gouging, biting, or hair pulling. No putting a finger into any orifice (we’ll waive this one) or into any cut or laceration on an opponent. Can win by submission or knock out.
Winner: Draw; just kidding the Olson Twins. As much as I would have like to se Paris put Mary-Kate into a sleeper hold with her legs she just couldn’t do it. Mary-Kate and Ashley have clearly trained long and hard for this, just like everything they do and it shows. They also have some type of evil genius working for them in the background. How else could they have amassed 300 million dollars selling this crap? Paris shows up to the bout intoxicated, but Mary-Kate is weakened by anorexia. So its up to Ashley to finish off Nicky. She does this by calling upon her vast army of 14 year old girls who savagely beat Nicky into submission.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Dog the Bounty Hunter vs. Boba Fett
The Dog versus the Fett. The Hawaiian Billy the Kid against the Ultimate Imperial Stormtrooper. These two know how to take down target, they know how to neutralize a fugitive, and they have an arsenal of gadgets at their disposals. What brings these two together to the exotic island of Borneo is they have a common fugitive: Martha Stewart. Apparently she baked her way out of prison.
Let’s see how they stack up:
- Self-proclaimed “greatest bounty hunter in the world
- Six thousand-plus captures over the past two decades
- A highly intense, charismatic ex-con
- Vows to help make America a safer place for all
- Weapons : Mace, Handcuff, other non-lethal weapons
- Wears goofy spandex pants
- Slightly Egotistical
- A powerful, provocative, mysterious character
- Holds several records for bounties
- Received the largest bounty ever: 5 million credits (conversion to American dollars about 4.723 million and 27 cents)
- Boba Fett is humanoid
- Referred to as Lord of the Bounty Hunters
- Wears a weapon-covered armored spacesuit
- Has a macrobinocular viewplate with 360 degree field of view, infrared scope, sensor array, and microcomputer
- Weapons : wrist lasers, rocket darts, miniature flame throwers, and concussion grenade launchers
There is a lot going for this battle, the stakes are high, the jungle is hot, and Martha is on the run. Dog lives in Hawaii so he is at home in the jungle. On the other hand Boba Fett has a jet pack. And Martha Stewart has just wiped up some of her famous banana nut and jungle millipede bread.
Winner: Boba Fett; Despite the obvious fact that he has an armory on his wrist and a jetpack on his back, this fight was a close one. What Boba Fett didn’t know is that Borneo is home to the Orangutan - a childhood fear of his. While Fett is coping with the wild apes, Dog dive bombs Martha Stuart from the canopy of the jungle. He handcuffs his target but not before trying some of Martha’s banana nut and millipede bread. Immediately after Dog the Bounty Hunter breaks out in hives and begins to convulse. As it turns out he is allergic to millipede. Meanwhile Boba Fett remembers he has an anti-orangutan net device that he installed a few months ago. Boba Fett takes over were the Dog left off and delivers the perpetrator to the proper authorities.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Slimer vs. Casper
These two charismatic supernatural anomalies come together for this fight. Both have unfinished business to settle. Both are out for blood or what ever the hell they are full of. Casper is done being friendly he’s about to become Casper the Sadistic Ghost. Slimer however is ready to take gluttony to the next level.
How it looks for both sides:
- Insatiable appetite for any food
- Often used as a test for ghostbusting equipment.
- Side kick - Stay Puffed Marshmallow man.
- Preferred method of attack is to plaster the aggressor with a slimy secretion.
- I guess friendly goes with out saying
- “always says hello” according to the song
- kind to every living creature
- Side kick – little girl named Kat
This is indisputably an evenly matched fight. It has the potential to go the full 12 rounds.
Winner: Casper; All that pint up anger and frustration has built up inside of Casper for too long. His repressed emotions have finally given way to violent and sever schizophrenia. Slimer goes with his usual mean of assault but is completely struck of guard by an uncharacteristically unfriendly and ballistic Casper. Then in an ironic twist of fate Slimer chokes on his own slim and dies.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Killer Attack Zombie Terrorists vs. Genghis Khan
Well we all knew it was going to come down to this. You have to fight fire with fire. Really who else could possibly stand a chance against zombie terrorist other than the original terrorist him self Mr. Khan. Genghis Khan’s pure hatred for all things zombie would serve as a catalyst for his rage. But what he doesn’t know is that these are not your average, run of the mill type zombie terrorists. They are Killer Attack Zombie Terrorists. With that being said it’s on to the stats:
- conquered more territory than any other conqueror
- Bad Ass of the 13th century
- megalomaniacal greed for territory and riches
- organizational and strategic genius
- created one of the most highly-disciplined and effective armies in history
- founding father of Mongolia
- Will go to great lengths to kill zombies
Killer Attack Zombie Terrorists
- Prefer infidel brains
- Proforms acts of violence against the public
- Trys to intimidate a population through eating brains
- Will attack then kill anything other than a zombie terrorist including other non-combative zombies
First off, I would like to make it clear that even though I am an American and do have a certain discontent for terrorist I will try and make this as unbiased as possible. Zombie Terrorists might have the advantage because they out number Khan and are also undead.
Winner: Who was I kidding; Genghis Khan wins by a landslide. The Killer Attack Zombie Terrorists try one of their limping suicide bomber attacks. But the Zombie Terrorist is distracted by fresh brains on the ground and inadvertently detonates killing the majority of his counterparts. However the main zombie is left : Ayman Al-Zomb-awahiri. Genghis Khan knows the only true thing to enrage him is the sight of a females ankles, which is precisely why he brought along Mrs. Khan. When Al-Zomb-awahiri sees this he becomes furious and runs for the Mongolian leader. He is immediately decapitated by Khan’s sword.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Rat infected with bubonic plague vs. Mosquito infected with Malaria
Ahh, yes the age old argument over which pest will win. It has been debated for years with no clear winner. Well I am here to set the record straight. I intend to put the facts out in the open and then determine a clear winner. Rat vs. Mosquito just wouldn’t be a real fight without upping the ante with horrible deadly diseases.
Rat infected with bubonic plague
- Aggressive towards humans and rival rats
- Weigh over 500 grams
- Caused about half of bird and reptile extinctions
- Vicious, unclean, parasitic animals that steal food and spread disease.
- Bubonic plague is extremely deadly and gruesome
- Death rate is 90%, time of infection to death is less than one week
- Has killed 2 million victims in one year
Mosquito infected with Malaria
- Have long piercing-sucking proboscis
- Lives 14 days
- Bite all warm or cold blooded animals
- Painful and persistent biters
- Strong fliers and are known to fly many miles
- 40% of the world's population is susceptible to malaria
- Causes three million deaths annually
Those are some of the major stats on each contender. I am not sure if a rat can be infected with malaria or a mosquito with bubonic plague but for all intensive purposes they can. This fight could really go in either direction. If the rat can get a hold of the mosquito it’s pretty much over.
Winner: Mosquito infected with Malaria. Why you may ask. Well it’s simple really the mosquito goes for the aerial attack and lands a good bit. Rat infected with bubonic plague
Then try’s a tuck and roll technique but to no avail. Mosquito see this coming and easily out maneuvers him and flies away laughing. Exactly one week later Rat with plague is dead but he did manage to spread a few infected fleas along the way.
Smurfs vs. Fraggle Rock
This is a full crusade of epic proportions. These two docile and benevolent peace full species have unexpectedly gathered for the battle of miniature magnitude. This fight will ultimately determine who controls the land. This could prove to be the fight of the apocalypse. Lets see how both sides are panning out:
- Over a100 years old
- good alchemist
- Papa Smurf is the oldest of all at 542 years old
- Three apples high ??? (WTF) , and have blue skin
- Speak a very strange language. Words are replaced by “Smurf”
- Gargamel originally created Smurfette to stir up trouble in the village
- Sassette the little known other female smurf; hate’s smurfete
- Arch enemy : Gargamel; an evil sorcerer and cat Azrael; mangy, stupid and evil
- Lives underground
- furry, have tails, and come in multiple colors
- Gobo – Leader of the Fraggle Five- he is audacious and cunning
- Aurora Fragglialis is a sacred waterfall
- Arch enemy : Sprocket; a dog capable of using his "hands" to pick things up, use them, throw them, make his own food recipes, and he can operate a computer
If this fight were to involve the two villains Gargamel vs. Sprocket the winner is obvious. Sprocket would win hand down. Because the Fraggles have had years of oppression due to Sprocket the dog one might think they have the advantage. However the Smurfs are a resourceful variety of creatures.
Winner: Smurfs. They have their secret weapon – Brainy Smurf, sure he’s Pappa Smurf’s kiss ass, but he is exceptionally gifted in atomic theory. Once his main weapon - the Smurfdrogen A-Bomb is launched against Fragle-shima, he annihilated 140,000 Fragglerockians. Immediately after that the Fraggle Rock inhabitants called for an end to the brutal slaughter
Bill Gates vs. Pinky and the Brain – the Brain
The Brain and the Gates are both undoubtedly determined to take over the world, that goes with out saying. But each have their own techniques. The similarity are numerous with these two here are just a few : Both have side kicks, both have a devious plans of action and implement them as much as possible.
How it looks for both sides:
- Born on Oct. 28, 1955 Seattle
- Loves of computers and software
- Richest private individual in the World with a net worth of over 50 billion dollars
- Owns a $97 million 40,000-square-foot mansion
- Side Kick - Steve Ballmer
- A genius
- Genes have been spliced
- Four inches tall
Winner: Bill Gates, hands down. The Brain constantly tries and fails to take over the world, Bill Gates already owns it.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
Crack head vs. Badger
First of this fight would need to take place in the ghetto with gang-bangers on one side and other badgers on the other side.
How it looks for both side:
– feels no pain
– on average is about 5’10’’ weighs 100 lbs
– sole purpose in life is crack
– will do any thing to get more crack
– is accustom to fighting for crack
– cares little for personal hygiene
– is used to years of abuse from the streets
- 30 to 35 ‘ in length
- have on average 34 teeth
- excellent senses of hearing and smell
- loose fitting skin prevents them from being held by another animals
- eat just about everything
- can strike a target up to 39 inches away
This fight has too much going for it for it to wind up in a draw. Crack heads have been an arch rival of plenty of Americans since the early 80’s whilst on the other hand badgers have been a constant problem since the dawn of time. Badgers are also ferocious and extremely tough.
Winner: Badger; A Crack Head will always be distracted by a rock while a badger will defend its territory and fight to the death.
Sharks with lasers vs. Optimus Prime
Optimus Prime is the leader of the transformers. He is a force not be underestimated. However sharks with lasers a vicious killers that have an added advantage in their arsenal. They are bent on destruction and have all the means necessary to delivery upon their goal. Perhaps they are just a evil genius tool but maybe they have gone for long enough without the extra fire power for what they really want most.
Sharks with Lasers
- Can grow up to 50’ long
- streamlined, torpedo-shaped bodies
- have no bones, only cartilage
- up to 3,000 teeth
- wildly attacks anything in the area
- capable of firing 2,500 twin 20mm Vulcan cannon rounds per minute
- strike at the speed of light
- can disable optically guided missiles
- Leader of the Autobots
- Incredible strength
- 18,950 lbs , 22feet 10inches
- Can turn into a heavy duty semi-truck
- Vowed to fight against the evil Decepticons
- Always in favor of peace
- Will not hesitate to use his great powers and vast arsenal
Well this is another fight the completely depends on the venue. If shark with lasers were to fight in water he would have the clear advantage however Optimus Prime can turn in to an 18 wheeler which is best suited for use on sold ground.
Winner: This is a tough one. Both contenders are evenly matched. Both have a ranged attacks; both have brutal close corridors fighting skills. However the fight takes place on the shore. Optimus Prime can shoot his missiles into the water and shark with lasers can shoot his lasers onto the land. Shark with lasers wins because 1st missiles and other projectiles that Optimus Prime is accustom to launching, are worthless in the water. Also the leader of the Autobots perception is distorted by the water causing him to miss. Shark with lasers on the other hand has a freakin laser – throw me a freakin bone here people.
Chyna vs. Wonder woman
Sexy is the only word to describe this fight. First it would absolutely need to take place in a kiddy pool full of KY Jelly and they would need to both be topless. Lets take a look at the line up.
How it looks for both sides:
- Referred to as 'The Ninth Wonder Of The World' by ringside announcers
- 5'10" 190 lbs
- first woman to compete in a Royal Rumble PPV
- Been in Play Boy
- physical female "brawler" and a full blown Diva
- Princes of an immortal race of Amazonian
- From uncharted Paradise Island
- Part of World War II secret program
- Champions good to combat evil.
- Fights for truth, justice, and protects the world from harm.
- Has a truth telling lasso and an invisible plane
The odds are defiantly stacked against Chyna the main reason being that she can … well, die, and has no super powers. This match is fought nearly naked so Wonder Woman can use her special toys (no not that) the invisible plane and the lasso.
Winner: Chyna ; who would have thought the KY Jelly would be Wonder Woman’s kryptonite. Chyna puts Wonder Woman in a scissors with her massive legs and puts her down for the count.
McDonald Hamburgler vs. Cookie Crisp Crook
McDonald Hamburgler vs. Cookie Crisp Crook
Both are hardened career criminals of the worst degree. They obviously are had tough childhoods and probably grew up on the streets.
How it looks for both sides:
- obsessive compulsive behavior centered around hamburgers
- just over four feet tall.
- Arch nemesis is Ronald McDonald
- First offense unknown but probably a violent offender
Cookie Crisp Crook
- Arch nemesis is Officer Krum
- Side Kick is Chip the Cookie Hound
- Always goes to jail for larceny
- Will go to any means necessary to obtain a cookie
Well this fight could last more than a few rounds. Clearly both convicts have substantial amounts of stamina and are dedicated to their cause. Due to the fact that Hamburgler has never been incarcerated since he supposedly broke out, the edge would have to be give to him. On the other hand, though Cookie Crisp Crook has a vicious dog fully capable of tearing the Hamburgle limb from limb.
Winner: McDonald Hamburgler because he has evade arrest enough times to be able to know the Cook Crisp Crook main weakness – the police. He would clearly use this to his advantage some how.
Soccer Mom in Soccer Mom Van with kids vs. Hippo
The soccer mom is a force to be record with. Her snot nosed little tykes kick a soccer ball and they invoke a instinctual protection mechanism from their mother whilst the hippo is responsible for a substantial amount of deaths each year in Africa. This match could be any ones guess.
How it looks for both sides:
- cause more human deaths than any other wild creature in Africa Hippos spend most of their days in the water
- 5’ height at the shoulder and has a length of 15’
- extremely aggressive and unpredictable
- teeth can be 20 inches long
- use their heads as sledgehammers
- up to 9900 lbs
- represent over 850,000 caravanners
- top speed 70+ mph
- 5040 pounds
- superior soccer principles for children
An excellent example of nurture over nature this example clearly will explain who in the end will triumph. It’s assumed that the fight had to come to such a ending but all good things must come to a bloody horribly gruesome ending.
Winner : Soccer Mom ; Due to her pure hatred for anything opposing her children including the referee; a hippopotamus only stands a winning chance if the fight were to take place in some sort of marsh or inland water arena. Granted the hippo weighs nearly twice as much as the caravan a soccer mom in danger will do any thing to protect her offspring including accelerating up to more than 70 mph and careening with the killer African Beast.
Helen Keller vs. CEO of Helen Keller International
Now this would be a fight that would never happen unless a super villain forced them to fight or he would destroy mankind as we know it here is how it would play out :
How it looks for both side:
- Blind and Deaf
- symbol of courage in the face of overwhelming odds
- luminous intelligence, high ambition and great accomplishment
- dedicated to patience, and courage
- Responsible for all operations, programs, finances, communications and public policy initiatives of HKI
- Served as President and CEO of The Children’s Village
- bridged the gap between practitioners, academics and policy makers
- built the agency from an annual budget of $3 million to the current $40 million with a staff of over 650 individuals.
Winner: Helen Keller; She has this fight as long as she keeps it in close quarters. Through literally blind rage and brute force Helen Keller would prevail. Also the CEO of Helen Keller International would have some serious moral objections to annihilating the founder of her company.